Student can be severely influenced from school by unsuitable schedules and stresses

IELTS Cambridge 4 - Test 4 - Task 2
In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior.
What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Here are my work:

Students can expand their knowledge of many aspects from schools. However, in some countries, students' behavior is badly affected by school activities. This essay will look at intense problems in students' behavior caused by schools focusing on the causes and solutions.

There are two major reasons why schools can badly affect pupils' actions. Firstly, students may not be taught properly by their schools. Most students in primary and secondary schools can not distinguish what is right or wrong, they just simply copy or follow what they hear and learn. Consequently, they may be severely influenced by wrong teaching methods. Secondly, inappropriate school time can cause stresses for students. In Vietnam, in order to train their children to "geniuses", most parents bring them to different classes from the morning to the evening with very rare time to relax. As a result, they may have serious problems studying at schools when they are stressed of being over-studied.

To tackle these problems, two typical solutions are recommended. The first answer is that schools should have suitable curriculums for the young-age students. Schools have to teach children with precise knowledge and help them to classify bad and good things. Another key is that parents should not put too much studying pressure on their children. Beside studying, students should have time to play and relax. Additionally, parents should also balance their children's time between learning and playing.

In conclusion, student can be severely influenced from school by unsuitable schedules and stresses from being over-studied. However, this can be solved by suitable curriculums and balancing the time between play and learn. If students can have study and play sufficiently, they may become very good and useful people.

Words: 329
Thank you all!
Tran Van Phat

Hi,

Here is my 2 cent...

Students can expand their knowledge of many aspects from schools. However, in some countries, students' behavior is badly affected by school activities. This essay will look at intense problems in students' behavior caused by schools focusing on the causes and solutions.

There are two major reasons why schools can badly affect pupils' actions. Firstly, students may not be taught properly by their schools. Most students in primary and secondary schools can not distinguish what is right or wrong, they just simply copy or follow what they hear and learn. Consequently, they may be severely influenced by wrong teaching methods. Secondly, inappropriate school time can cause stresses for students. In Vietnam, in order to train their children to be "geniuses", most parents bring them to different classes from the morning to the evening with very rare time to relax. As a result, they may have serious problems studying at schools when they are stressed of being over-studied. (serious problem? what kind of serious problem? should have clear explaination) As a result, they may not able to focus well in classes as they are over stressed from too much of studying.

To tackle these problems, two typical solutions are recommended. The first answer is that schools should have suitable curriculums for the young-age students. Schools have to teach children with precise knowledge and help them to classify bad and good things. Another key is that parents should not put too much studying pressure on their children. Beside studying, students should have time to play and relax. Additionally, parents should also balance their children's time between learning and playing.

In conclusion, student can be severely influenced from school by unsuitable schedules and stresses from being over-studied (being over-studied means the studies are the object that got studied, should use studying) over-studying. However, this can be solved by suitable curriculums and balancing the time between play and learn. If students can have study and play sufficiently (study and play sufficiently?) have sufficient study and play times in a balance schedule , they may become very good and useful people.

Just a personal opinion: I don't really like the ideas being discussed here though.

@Dnile: Thanks for your comments, i appreciate them.
About the ideas, those are very popular problems in Vietnam - where i live. So, i just came up with these ideas and wrote it. It could not true in Singapore. Anyway, i corrected my essay, thanks

P.s: I love Singapore, i'll study a university there.

look at this question again, school maybe no the only reason for students' bad behavior. but your opinion does not off the topic.

advises
you could use scope of knowledge instead of knowledge of many aspects.
"students may not be taught properly by their schools" this sentence look like a litter informal as a reason.
can not ---->cannot
Schools have to teach children with precise knowledge and help them to classify bad and good things. "have to"???
do not use "may" repetitive.

@land1111: Thanks for your comments. What do you mean by the first sentence: "but your opinion does not off the topic." ?
Beside "may", can you suggest any possible words ?