Please give me some advice on my essay :) Thanks in advance!
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should take out student loans to avoid working while studying. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Some people argue that students ought to take out student loans to afford study fees instead of working. After all, this would help them concentrate on their study and therefore enhance their academic achievements. Be that as it may, I believe that part-time jobs can actually teach students a lot of important things outside campus, whereas taking out a loan can add extra burdens on their futures.
To start with, however convenient it is for students to continue their education without interruptions with the help of student loan, taking out a loan can be quite a burden in the future as it requires students to find a job right after graduation in order to pay it. This is a very challenging task for many recent graduates who are prone to lack the required experience. Moreover, paying loan back means paying extra taxes, which in total might strongly increase the real amount of the loan. Therefore, even for students who are capable of finding a job immediately, it would take a long time to pay off all the debts.
On the other hand, students who work while they are in college are much more successful in managing their time. Since they have to balance the amount of time between working and studying, they tend to follow a strict schedule which allows them to invest each minute of their spare time studying, rather than wasting it. On the contrary, non-working students are more likely to indulge themselves in time-consuming activities or hobbies in their free time, which are bound to have a negative effect on their results. A friend of mine, for instance, spends most of his free time watching films or sleeping. Consequently, despite not having a part-time job, he is nearly at bottom of the class every semester. Indeed, in this situation, not working while studying doesn't seem to positively affect students' study results.
Last but not least, having a part-time job before graduation teaches students a lot of necessary skills for their future. It cements students' background experience, makes them more confident and independent. In addition, it enhances students' skills of marketing themselves in order to get hired. All this expertise cannot be learned if a student don't look for a job early in his life.
In conclusion, I strongly encourage students to have a job while studying, in order to avoid any burdens loan might cause them in the future and to gain useful skills and experience.
Phuong, apart from above suggestions, I would like to focus on strengthening your weakness in this essay, especially about 'task response' part. I am not an expert of TOEFL, but I believe that TOEFL writing also has 'task response' as its scoring criteria. Therefore, my explanation below will help you in boosting your score in this part.
However, when it comes to an agree or disagree essay, I think that you need to make sure that whether you are totally agree or disagree with the prompt given. I know that some teachers advice that you can partly agree and disagree but this often leads to an essay with no clear focus and a confusing structure. Then, you need to also make sure that you have already answered the prompt clearly. In your essay, it is unfortunate that you did not directly state your stance whether agree or disagree. This is crucial, somehow if you do not have any clear stance to the prompt given, it might probably badly damages your score. This answer "I believe that part-time jobs ....... burdens on their futures." can be considered as implicit and unclear. Perhaps, it is better to write "I strongly disagree with the idea of taking loan to avoid working because working is actually much more beneficial than taking a student loan in which it will definitely burden their future life."
As you can see, it might look simple but if you pay a good attention to it, I believe that your writing skill will be improved, especially in writing a TOEFL essay. Good luck for the next practice :)
Hi Phoung, i have few additional insights that will hopefully help you in your revision and future articles.
First of all, you are able to provide examples that elaborately describes the ideas you are trying to impart to your readers, however, it's not written clearly, as the prompt asked, you should be able to make a very specific example as to why studentsshould take or not take students loans such as taking loans will become a burden in the future as students already have loans even if they're still not earning anything and if they don't take out student loan they will be forced to work, ask money from parents or apply for scholarships in order to get into college, this is the kind of example I am referring to.
Nexf, you clearly have an idea in your head on how to tackle this prompt, however, you used unconventional words to denote continuation of idea such as,"Be that as it may", which is not at all related nor relevant or even proper to the idea you are leading your easay to. I understand that you'd like you essay to be unique, catchy and full of adjectives, but you know what always works, to write simpler than the usual, keep it on a conversational level.
Lastly, be up to date when it comes to your writing, do a little research and take everyday happening into your writing, this will make more sense in the end.
I hope my insights are useful!
