Survey: up to 20% of 12 year-olds had early signs of nicotine addiction and 70% of teens aged 18-20

IELTS Essay:
In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction.

In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes.

For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned.

Answer:
Given the profound and negative influence of tobacco advertisement on teenagers, some people endorse the proposal to ban cigarette advertising. Others argue strenuously that it will hinder the freedom of speech of this country. I agree with the former that commercial advertising on tobacco should be inhibited and the reasons are given as follows:

Firstly, marketing messages and their implication about cigarette ramps up usage of tobacco among the minors. This is so because advertisers tend to utilise images of successful entrepreneurs to associate the products with rich lifestyle, which is desirable among teenagers. To narrow the chasm between wealthy businessmen and themselves, adolescents will mimic the behaviour presented in the ad and voluntarily pick up the habit of smoking. Notably, once a student begins smoking in a school, due to peer pressure, others will take on this habit, which creates a domino effect and then ultimately smoking becomes prevalent among the young.

Secondly, putting a brake on commercial speech on cigarette has proven effects on reducing tobacco consumption. Research has shown that countries with strict censorship on cigarette advertisements enjoy a downturn of tobacco sales. That is to say, decline in teenagers' media exposure to tobacco attributes to a slump in tobacco usage among youngsters.

Moreover, considering the clinical data that reveal the link between smoking cigarette and weakened immune system, compromised lung functions and respiratory distress, it is of the best interest of younger generation, for the government to impose strict censorship on cigarette advertisement and marketing activities.

Hi..
Your writing is good..
I closely read your writing and want to give you few suggestions.
I hope my suggestion can help you.

... the proposal to ban cigarette's advertising (or advertising cigarette) .

... tobacco should be inhibited, and the reasons are given as follows.

Firstly, marketing's messages (or messages of marketing) and their implication about cigarette ramps up usage ofusing tobacco among the minors.

... effect and then ultimately the smoking becomes prevalent among the young.

Research has shownshows that countries with strict censorship on the cigarette's advertisements enjoy a downturn of tobacco sales.

... media exposure to tobacco's attributes to a slump ...

... respiratory distress, it is of the best interest of ... on cigarette's advertisement and marketing activities(because marketing is activity category) .

Hello hbjdt

it would be nice if you mention the question of the prompt, such as Agree or Disagree, Advantage and Disadvantage, etc.

In introduction, i think, you have a clear statement, but you can diminish the colon "and the reasons are given as follows: "

In conclusion, you need to write the clear words which illustrate you has to write the conclusion paragraph.
(in conclusion ; In the end ; Finally ; The aforementioned evidence reveals that)

Hope it helps...

hello hbjdt...

here my advice for your essay.

look at closer to the question. there are two facts or results of the survey that support the argument related to ban the cigarette advertising. please make clear your position, do you agree or disagree about cigarette advertising should be banned? from your essay we can see that you firmly believe that it should be banned because you explain about drawbacks of cigarette.

predominant of your statement without scientific facts, overall, there is no fact in your writing. i mean that fact related to this topic for supporting your statement. for instance: you said " which creates a domino effect and then ultimately smoking becomes prevalent among the young" the question will appear that where the fact about it, it is true statement or no?

in the last paragraph, you don't writing about this advertising should be banned or no, and solely you show and show arguments.