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Writing task 1: The percentage of 10-15 year-olds chatting online and playing games.


Red Moon 14 / 32 6  
Jun 22, 2017   #1
IELTS Writing Task 1
The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK.


youth staying online and playing games



The bar chart compares how much time it takes 10-15 year-olds, by gender, to chat on the Internet and play on games consoles on an average school day in the United Kingdom.

Overall slightly more boys and girls in the 10-15 age group prefer playing on games console to chatting online. It is also evident that an overwhelming majority of boys enjoy playing on game consoles, while chatting online is considerably more popular among girls than boys.

Regarding chatting on the Internet, the number of 10-15 year-old boys spending time doing this activity for less than an hour a day is the same as that of their female counterparts, accounting for nearly 30 percent, although much more girls than boys chatting for over one hour.

On the contrary, nearly a massive 90% of 10-15 year-old male students spend time playing on games console on an average school day, whereas the figure for females is just over a half. Most girls, about one third, play on games console for under 1 hour per day, while the majority of boys, roughly 45 %, enjoy doing this leisure activity for 1 to 3 hours. It is noticable that the proportion for males in the 10-15 age range playing on games console for more than 4 hours per day is roughly 10 percent, the same percentage for females talking to their friends online for the same amount of time.



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,918 4798  
Jun 22, 2017   #2
Moon, the paragraph presentations you made are too short. You need to learn to use full stops instead of commas or continuously long sentences in your paragraph in order to meet the required 3 sentence minimum. Please make sure to enhance your summary statement by making it more informative and allowing for a more proper overview of the information provided. The work you have done shows that you rushed through the essay, did not properly assess the chart for additional information or comparison points, and neglected to do a thorough review of all the information presented for analysis. Based upon the obviously rushed and haphazard presentation of this essay, I do not doubt that the score of this will be extremely low. That is because you did not do what you had to do in order to create more complex sentences that would have proven your ability to create analytical presentation in written form using the English language.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Jun 28, 2017   #3
Hi Moon, I will try giving you a few suggestion for finalizing your writing.
Actually, your writing is good, but you did not aware minor mistakes which can reduce your score. Firstly, your first sentence could not describe paraphrase of the statement. You wrote pronoun "it" whereas that confuse readers. Please, you avoid that mistake in the next term. It can make meaning of the paraphrase abuse. For your overview, it is good because that could cover general trend. However, you should merge between the first and second paragraph because the good paragraph consists of at least three sentences.

For your body paragraph, your grouping is good, but you did not explore your first body. That is very short. You are able to compare use of the internet which accesses for 1 to 3 hours. In addition, that is not balanced because you tended to explain about proportions of playing the games console. You could impress the examiner with exploring both matters.

I believe you can achieve the higher score if you want to expand your explanation.
GOOD LUCK
okorobiadimma14 6 / 82 50  
Jun 28, 2017   #4
Red Moon, you must take note that IELTS writing task 1, among other things, tests your ability to specifically interpret a given information encrypted in form of charts, graphs, or diagrams. Your ability to critically look at the chart provided before making any attempt is the best approach to giving a precise interpretation of the information in the graph. As pointed out, there were lots of hasty misinterpretations in your current post. For example, "nearly a massive 90% of 10-15 year-old male students spend time playing..." you are perfectly wrong in the expression highlighted above. Considering the scale of the graph, you can observe that 1 cm to 10 units were used. This means that since the peak of the bar representing boys is at the middle, the actual value is 5 % and adding the already established 80 %, you have exactly 85 % of boys playing video game, and not 'nearly a massive 90 %...' You can also give more information by breaking these percentage according to the number of hours spent as indicated in the keys. So, always try as much as possible to do the needful first ( which is to understand the chart provided, notice the scale used where necessary and so on) before going on with answering the question.
OP Red Moon 14 / 32 6  
Jul 3, 2017   #5
@Holt
@okorobiadimma14
@akbarmappiare
Thank you very much for your advices. I will fix my mistakes and write a better task 1 essay next time.
Babbie419 1 / 6  
Jul 3, 2017   #6
@Red Moon
Rephrase your first paragraph and note some little mistakes..
Could you please check my thread and help out?
Thanks


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