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(No) Sympathy for the Devil


Atlasa 1 / -  
Jan 26, 2011   #1
Light filtered through the steel frames windows creating a harsh reflection off the withered priest's face. One by one he went down snuffing out the candles, his callused hands pushing forward and back as if a small boy running between pews. The white-hot flame having no effect, his face in no grimace. His bony arms dark not because of his ethnicity but because of the rich dirt that filled the concaves of his skin, each crevice holding its own unique story of strife.

Yet a twinkle lit the old priest's eyes on that Sunday evening. For he had gained a sympathy for the devil. Although his dirty hands had committed many wrongs, his eyes still burnt with a passion for all things living, he had recognized that it was not the devil who controlled the greatest realm but rather himself. He knew hell was filled with more darkness then his world would ever be.

So the old man wiped his brow and toppled over. His skull cracking hard on the dull concrete floor a noise rang through the church like none ever before, much like the sound a marble banishing its opponent from the ring. The priest lay there blood seeping from his head painting religious shadows cast through the colorful windows with a crimson red. He lost his grip and came face to face with the devil. Neither of them spoke, yet one simply laughed.

And it was not Satan.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 31, 2011   #2
I have to change a word or two in this first sentence:
Light filtered through the steel frames windows creates a harsh reflection of the withered priest's face.

One by one he went down snuffing out the candles, his callused hands pushing forward and back as if a small boy running between pews. ---this is a great sentence.

The white-hot flame having no effect, his face in no grimace, his bony arms dark not because of his ethnicity but because of the rich dirt that filled the concaves of his skin, each crevice holds its own unique story of strife. ---See, you have to have one verb in each sentence that is in verb form, not noun form.

Neither of them spoke, yet one simply laughed. --This is unclear. Who laughed?

You have a great writing style! However, it is really important that you practice using the past tense, and when you write keep it all in the past tense. Or, if you want to use the present tense, that is okay, too, but keep it the same throughout the whole essay.


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