Dear Thao Nguyen,
After reading your essay, I have to admit that your writing is quite well ( though there are some minor grammatical mistakes) . So do not worry much about taking TOEFL iBT writing task. Now, let's see about your essay.
Parents have many good qualities because they are models for their children
There is no mistake about grammar in this sentence; however, it is somehow not logical. I think we should change it into this sentence: Parents have to possess many good qualities because they are models for their children
: knowledgeable, ready to listen and willing to change.
There is a parallel senctence mistake here. And this is how we fix it: knowledge, the ability to change and the will to change.
For example, they choose the
area of livingliving area which is safe and has many educated people,
Most successful people have their parents knowledgeable and respectful.
Can you give examples for this statement? That will make your point more persuasive and insightful.
It makes them dull and damages their imagination and
P/S: Overall, your ideas is good. This essay may earn ~ 4/5 for independent writing task. I am taking for TOEFL iBT in September 16th. It would be great if we could exchange information :-)