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Taking life to the extreme - risk-taking activities for TOEFL


NickNice 1 / -  
Nov 1, 2018   #1
Can anyone review and score the Independent essay writing for TOEFL.
topic:
Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

My essay:

The Thrill of risk-taking



Are Dangerous sports indeed dangerous? People would not afford lives for fun, if sports were intact dangerous. There is fun involved in the courageous activities. It takes physical and emotional wellness to think of doing such activities.

Dangerous sports are fun as long as they are managed. With proper physical maintenance and emotional balance, the risks involved in such sports can be overcome. It is no more a danger but fun. Otherwise, two teenagers from India of age 25 years would not challenge themselves to climb Mountains Everest and be successful.

Finally, with proper risk mitigation plan one can afford dangerous sports.

rabbasy 1 / 2 1  
Nov 1, 2018   #2
I took the TOEFL in May this year and scored 120/120. However, I am not an essay expert but will give you some of the tips.

A few grammar mistakes that I can see are:
- the unnecessary comma after 'fun'
- the extra 'the' before courageous activities
- intact instead of in fact

I think the structure could be improved and you should aim to have 3-4 sentences in each paragraph. Try to structure your essay as follows:

Intro:
Paraphrase what the issue is talking about. (e.g. Whether dangerous sports are a good idea or not)
Acknowledge that there are pros and cons, but you think generally dangerous sports ... [your stance]

Body paragraph 1
State a reason why dangerous sports are ok (e.g. dangerous sports are still good exercise). You can support this with some evidence from personal experience, news or examples from literature.

Body paragraph 2
Same as above with a second reason why dangerous sports are a good thing (e.g. events like INDY500 create a lot of jobs and generate revenue for the community)

Body paragraph 3
State one counterexample that shows when dangerous sports are a bad idea. Explain what can be done to improve the situation. (e.g. dangerous sports may result in serious injuries but wearing protective gear can dramatically reduce the chance of injuries)

Conclusion:
Restate that your stance (e.g. I, therefore, feel that dangerous sports are fine as long as the proper precautions are taken)


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