Tax increase on fast-food industry - IELTS task 2 - evaluation and grading

Raising tax on junk food products

In some countries, an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for the government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In contemporary life, enjoying a huge amount of junk food has gained in popularity and made a paradigm shift in health issues. Although it seems highly reasonable for the government to introduce a stricter policy on this kind of food, I firmly contend that the drawbacks are more significant.

On the one hand, there are some reasons why policy makers enact the higher tax on this instantly-served food. To begin with, it is obviously clear that fast food industries bring the big number of profit regardless of causing health problems for consumers such as obesity or heart diseases. To be specific, there are more and more KFC or Lotteria which are invested by both onshore and offshore in order to satisfy with an increasing number of demands. Nevertheless, although almost customers understand deeply what dangerous the junk food is, they still afford it because of the fact that fast food is definitely served immediately and conveniently for not only take-away but also stay-to-eat. As a result, the problems may become worse unless the government takes strong actions.

One the other hand, I strongly believe that the tax of the fast food should not be raised. First, this would be a hard punch to the country's business and finance if that policy was approved. To explain, many people would lose their jobs because of no investors, which might relate to other industry fields. Second, although junk food compromises our health, nobody can deny not only its advantages like convenience but also its good taste. Besides, the government should take alternative policies like either educating dwellers about the harm of junk food or encouraging organic food to be developed widely in order to decrease a number of people who are badly effected by junk food.

In conclusion, while there are benefits from the increase on tax on the fast-food industries, it seems to me that this would be better if the government considered the other solution such as the above idea about having organic food broaden vastly.

@anchen259
Evade unclear sentence construction. This creates unnecessary wordings in your essay that would cloud its overall meaning. What I recommend is a more straightforward approach to writing, especially if you are working within the constraints of word count. On top of this, using appropriate words (based on context of your sentence) are necessary.

For instance, in your introductory paragraph, I recommend phrasing things as:

Junk foods have been gaining popularity in the modern world, causing the rise of health concerns. Although it is reasonable to introduce stricter policies for resolution, I firmly believe that the drawbacks have to be considered.

[...]

It can also be noticed in your second paragraph. In your second sentence here, you could have said here that the profit-oriented nature of the fast food industry makes them less concerned about the unhealthy composition of their products. Instead of doing this, you used terms such as bringing in large number of profit or mentioning that it is an obviously clear issue. Eradicating these unnecessary terms is crucial.

Best of luck!