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Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others don't



Gulala 3 / 7  
Oct 13, 2013   #1
HI everyone! Please grade my essay by your valuable suggestions.

Topic:Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.


Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others think that children should work together because it will help them in future. Before rendering my opinion, I think it is necessary to look at the arguments of both sides.

There is a widespread belief that competition will be more useful for children and has great advantages in modern society . For instance, since school years child realize how to survive in such competitive environment and become more independent, confident, flexible and find out how quickly get out of complex situation . What is more People who have such abilities, generally have lots of opportunities to gain competitive jobs or be leaders of the masses. But there is a darker side of this statement, that people, because of their individualism and self-centeredness can not work in collaboration with somebody or perform the duties which bosses required from them. Without such qualities they can not be successful in life and build their career.

On the other hand, people think that Children who taught to work in team are able to maintain good relations with others, access different points of view and present their opinions. Moreover, they have abilities such as solidarity , tenderness and appreciation as well, which become advantages when children will enter to the adult world. In addition, work in cooperation easier and expedient because people can review a variety of ideas and offers, which brings beneficial results. But cooperation sometimes leads to conflicts between people, if there disagree with each other or argued because they have different minds and views.

After analyzing both points of view, I came to the conclusion that cooperation and competition are two indissoluble things, but for children I convinced that team work is a healthier option.

MisterWandering 18 / 314  
Oct 13, 2013   #2
Before rendering my opinion, I think it is necessary to look at the arguments of both sides.

This is OK but I think it would be better if you could state your opinion in the introduction.

For instance, since school years child realize how to...

This will help children learn how to...

gain competitive jobs

secure a job

But there is a darker side of this statement, that people, because of their individualism and self-centeredness can not work in collaboration with somebody or perform the duties which bosses required from them.

However, there is a darker side of this statement, that is, some people struggle to collaborate with others or perform their given duties due to their individualism and self-centeredness.

when children will enter to the adult world.

when they grow up

work in cooperation easier and expedient

cooperation can increase work productivity/efficiency

, if there disagree with each other or argued

You can omit this part.
I think you write well :) Keep practicing and good luck!
OP Gulala 3 / 7  
Oct 13, 2013   #3
Thank you very much!!!! I'm very appreciate it!)))
dumi 1 / 6793  
Oct 15, 2013   #4
Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others think that children should work together because it will help them in future.

Before introducing the topic, try to have a hook statement which grabs the reader's attention. It should also be relevant to your topic too;

The words competition and cooperation have opposite meanings. Some people argue that competition should be encouraged among children because they believe that rivalry between children would provide them with motivation. However, others hold the view that we should promote cooperation between children in order to instill team spirit in them.

Before rendering my opinion, I think it is necessary to look at the arguments of both sides.

Here you make a clear statement as to what position you hold. You can hold a moderate stance, but better tell it here.
Pahan 1 / 1824  
Oct 15, 2013   #5
On the other hand, people think that Children who taught to work in teams are able to maintain good relations with others, accessaccept different points of view and present their opinions more confidently.

On the other hand, people think that Children who taught to work in team are able to maintain good relations with others, access different points of view and present their opinions. Moreover, they have abilities such as solidarity , tenderness and appreciation as well, which become advantages when children will enter to the adult world. In addition, work in cooperation easier and expedient because people can review a variety of ideas and offers, which brings beneficial results. But cooperation sometimes leads to conflicts between people, if there disagree with each other or argued because they have different minds and views.

This is good writing indeed. However, you need to give examples to the reasons you highlight in this paragraphs. It is an IETLS task requirement and you would earn marks on them.

Good writing :)
ravenet 6 / 22  
Oct 19, 2013   #6
Gulala

Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others think that children should work together because it will help them in future. Before rendering my opinion, I think it is necessary to look at the arguments of both sides.

Could be ,

Some people believe that rivalry between children should exist, while others argue that children should work together because it will help them in the future. However, I would argue that children should be competitive and work together each other.

Thank you.
OP Gulala 3 / 7  
Oct 21, 2013   #7
Thanks a lot!!!
dumi 1 / 6793  
Oct 23, 2013   #8
There is a widespread belief that competition will be more useful for children and has great advantages in modern society . For instance, since school years child realize how to survive in such competitive environment and become more independent, confident, flexible and find out how quickly get out of complex situation .

In your body paragraphs, you should justify your opinion by giving reasons. And then you should support them with specific examples. So, it is good if you started the body para with the reason;

First, today's world is highly competitive compared to previous eras. Because of this reason, it is important that children should be given a sense of competition that helps them learn to survive and thrive in more complex and competitive environments.

Now you give a specific example to support this reason.
You write very well. Try and aim for a good score :)


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