Teaching a foreign language at primary school is better than secondary school. Discuss pros and cons

introducing Foreign languages in the school

Please review my essay and give me an estimated score if I submit it to IELTS exam. Thanks in advance!

Here is my essay of IELTS writing task 2, the topic is " Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?"

My essay:

With the introduction of the internet, there are lots of online courses teaching foreign languages day-by-day. Everyone has chances to be exposed to the online class, so students can have the ability to use these foreign languages early. This phenomenon may contain the advantages and serious drawbacks to the learning process of children at a young age.

The advent of foreign language in the school has not been novel in recent years. The reasons for these classes are from the concept of enhancing relationships among countries. Promoting and requiring the business, education and so on, there are many benefits bringing the corporation contributing to this trend. Teaching children a foreign language should be started as soon as possible. Students from 6 to 11 years old have the highest ability to comprehend knowledge, as reported in research. They are taught to perceive the rudimentary knowledge and it is easy for them to understand these lessons throughout the interesting book. Their brain is like a blank paper, so everything printed on this permanent. Primary school children can learn a foreign language quickly and apply it immediately in real communication.

However, the upshots from the early education of children when they are in primary school cause some drawbacks. Students have to balance their time between learning and playing. It may be rooted in the exhaustion, which is resulted from a ton of homework, when children lack physical exercise and the pressure to meet deadline. This trouble resulted in the lack of childhood memories and apathy that may be a serious problem affecting a natural growth of children.

In conclusion, it is better to teach children at primary school a foreign language, but we have to notice the behavior of students and then, apply an appropriate method to fulfill children development. A new language can broaden new horizons and bring them to their dreams.

I don't want to talk about the grammar but I am going to talk about the content
In my opinion, as reported in research You maybe add the citation to make your writing more reliable and support your idea that you didn't think by yourself.

Maybe the name of research or years or the writer
I hope my comment can help you
Good luck with your IELTS exam :)

Try to use words that are more academic by nature. These are words that do not create a casual tone - instead, they are able to emphasize on the functionality and informative side of your essay. Having these words is tremendously helpful when you are constructing useful lines that will help you curate viable content. I suggest revising with this intent in mind. Play around with the structure and composition of your essay to make sure that you maximize the space that you have, especially because you are working with word counts.

Let's revise a couple of portions.
The introduction of the internet triggered the emergence of online courses that teach foreign languages. Everyone has a chance to be exposed to these, therefore allowing students to have the ability to be proficient in these languages earlier. This phenomenon has advantages and disadvantages to the learning process.

Always try to be consistent with the forms of your words. This is vital to ensure that your proficiency is maximized.

Evade using words like may usually implies uncertainty in your words. Having words that implicate that you are assertive and have in-depth knowledge on the topic is preferred at all costs.

While the progression of your thoughts in the essay is impressive, I would say that you need to be wary of stretching your information too thin. For instance, in your second to the last paragraph, having such a jump of conclusion regarding learning a language leading to lack of memories and apathy is troublesome.

Best of luck as always.