Please allow me to make a few corrections for you:
that this phenomenon provides some
merits , demerits also appear to be a precursor of lack activities.
- use the wo
rds advantages and disadvantages as those are the key words in the essay prompt.
In the one hand , watching a television, driving a car and keeping food s in a fridge gives convenient life for some people.
television... (food is the plural form of the same word)... gives a
Firstly, most workers spend almost their whole day to work with the pretty tight schedule in the office. Then, they need a source of amusement to make them bursting into laughter, and television is the great companion when they lay in the sofa and eat some snacks.
- This sentence does not help the essay move forward. Keep it simple. Instead, just say that the television helps people unwind and relax after a hard day at work.
- Do not mention comparisons to other countries. Instead, talk about the overall convenience of having a car. You can still use traffic and crime as a reference point but leave out Indonesia as the car is something the whole world uses.
On the other hand, some sophisticated devices make people illness
- In addition, sophisticated devices have been said to cause illnesses.
powers of imagination
- excellent distraction tools
give a strong influence to abandon their assignment and turn to be a disease such myopia
In any case, the police department
in the some countries in part of the earth record more than a hundred accidents in 2012 which occur of driving a car
- vehicular accidents
-Explain why drivers cannot safely drive cars. You need to research more about the overall effects of climate change and explain how it affects people.
Aside from the above grammatical errors that I caught, I have to also point out that you never solidly gave a personal opinion on the advantages of technology in everyday life. You gave general opinions. The important word here that is missing is I. Always say, "I believe" or, "My opinion is..." in order to align your essay with the prompt.