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[IELTS Task 2] Technologies have suggested everyone in the world.


tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Aug 28, 2014   #1
It has been suggested that everyone in the world wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do you think disadvantages of such a development outweigh advantages?

Some newly-invented technologies have been taking a part in human life. A car, a television and a fridge is being basic needs to overcome daily routine for many people. While I believe that this phenomenon provides some merits, demerits also appear to be a precursor of lack activities.

In the one hand, watching a television, driving a car and keeping foods in a fridge gives convenient life for some people. Firstly, most workers spend almost their whole day to work with the pretty tight schedule in the office. Then, they need a source of amusement to make them bursting into laughter, and television is the great companion when they lay in the sofa and eat some snacks. In addition, in the some metropolitan countries in the world have a problem which relates with traffic congestion and the high level of crime in busy main road. Indonesia, for example, does not have excellent public transport which can deliver everyone on their own destination. So, private car is the best preference for some people who have much money. Also, for working mother in the world, frozen foods are to be a choice when they do not have enough time to rustle up a meal. Indeed, they need a fridge to keep their meals fresh for several days.

On the other hand, some sophisticated devices make people illness. For some children, television programmes are excellent powers of imagination. There are some animation programmes which catch toddlers' attention to waste their time in front of television. Those give a strong influence to abandon their assignment and turn to be a disease such myopia. In any case, the police department in the some countries in part of the earth record more than a hundred accidents in 2012 which occur of driving a car. This result is an evident that many drivers cannot take priority over safe drive. Moreover, climate change happens from some causes and the negative ion of refrigerator is a factor which conducts the diminution of ozone layers. It can be conclude from these reasons that advanced technologies run into trouble.

In conclusion, several technologies are valuable when people use them to help chores activities properly, whereas it can be lack tools when people cannot set on their own needs. However, self awareness to deal with those tools should be concerned in order for safety.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 28, 2014   #2
Please allow me to make a few corrections for you:

that this phenomenon provides somemerits , demerits also appear to be a precursor of lack activities.

- use the wo
rds advantages and disadvantages as those are the key words in the essay prompt.

In the one hand , watching a television, driving a car and keeping foods in a fridge gives convenient life for some people.

-Watching television... (food is the plural form of the same word)... gives a convenient...

Firstly, most workers spend almost their whole day to work with the pretty tight schedule in the office. Then, they need a source of amusement to make them bursting into laughter, and television is the great companion when they lay in the sofa and eat some snacks.

- This sentence does not help the essay move forward. Keep it simple. Instead, just say that the television helps people unwind and relax after a hard day at work.

- Do not mention comparisons to other countries. Instead, talk about the overall convenience of having a car. You can still use traffic and crime as a reference point but leave out Indonesia as the car is something the whole world uses.

On the other hand, some sophisticated devices make people illness

- In addition, sophisticated devices have been said to cause illnesses.

are excellent powers of imagination

- excellent distraction tools .

Thosegive a strong influence to abandon their assignment and turn to be a disease such myopia

cause diseases ...

In any case, the police departmentin the some countries in part of the earth record more than a hundred accidents in 2012 which occur of driving a car

- vehicular accidents

-Explain why drivers cannot safely drive cars. You need to research more about the overall effects of climate change and explain how it affects people.

Aside from the above grammatical errors that I caught, I have to also point out that you never solidly gave a personal opinion on the advantages of technology in everyday life. You gave general opinions. The important word here that is missing is I. Always say, "I believe" or, "My opinion is..." in order to align your essay with the prompt.
OP tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Aug 28, 2014   #3
Please allow me to make a few corrections for you:

Hello vangiespen, I wanna say thanks a million for your valuable correction. I will apply your suggestion in the next my writing.

Aside from the above grammatical errors that I caught, I have to also point out that you never solidly gave a personal opinion on the advantages of technology in everyday life. You gave general opinions. The important word here that is missing is I. Always say, "I believe" or, "My opinion is..." in order to align your essay with the prompt.

I'm so sorry, can you elaborate further about this one? do you mean that I cannot use personal pronoun in the writing? could you give me an excellent example that I can follow it.

- Do not mention comparisons to other countries. Instead, talk about the overall convenience of having a car. You can still use traffic and crime as a reference point but leave out Indonesia as the car is something the whole world uses.

yes, i agree with you.

Thanks.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 28, 2014   #4
Hi TiaDS,

You misunderstood me. In this particular essay, you are being required to use your personal opinion so you should always use the first person pronouns when talking about your person opinion. Use the words I, me, my, for starters. As you progress with your writing, your skills will also improve so that you will know how to accurately present your personal opinion in a manner comfortable to you. For example, you can say "It is my personal opinion" or ' I believe that..." or, "It it were up to me..." All of those sentence starters indicate a personal opinion on your part. I realize essay writing can be confusing at times. That is why we are here to help you :-) Don't hesitate to ask more questions if you need to.


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