Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

[IELTS TASK 2] New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time.

scully_vananh 3 / 2  
Oct 25, 2017   #1
Please give me some feedbacks. Thank you so much.

Topic: New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

children benefit greatly from technological advances

People have different views about effects of technological innovations on children. In my opinion, technology can bring more benefits for youngsters in their spare time than drawbacks.

On the one hand, there are two considerable disadvantages for children when they devote most of their free time to using technological advances. Firstly, spending many hours in front of computers may lead to health problems. For example, blue light and flickering image can strain their eyes and cause dry eyes, not to mention the high risk of childhood obesity. Secondly, a number of young people prefer chatting instead of face-to-face interactions, resulting in a lack of communication skills in real life. That is, they tend to be more negative, vulnerable and dependent on parents when dealing with social situations.

However, I would argue that these drawbacks are outweighed by the benefits. Using the Internet, children can learn more about the world because online resources are unlimited and accessible anytime, anywhere. My daughter, for example, used her smartphone to search for the World War 1 so that she enhanced her knowledge base and passed the history test easily. Another convincing reason is that youngster can boost their intelligence, memory, and problem-solving skills through mind games and educational applications such as Sudoku, ClassDojo, and Tic Tac Toe. Consequently, new technologies both improve the habit of self-study and encourage children's brain development.

In conclusion, as children benefit greatly from using technological advances in their free time, it is clear that the advantages of technology outweigh disadvantages.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,289 3984  
Oct 25, 2017   #2
Van, there are actually two ways of discussing this essay. One, is the method which you used, the personal opinion which, although not required by the prompt, can be accepted by the examiner to a certain extent. The other, is the public opinion presentation. The latter, is the more acceptable presentation for this essay prompt because it allows you to present the best public information in the manner indicated by the prompt. Now, whether or not you used the public discussion format or not, it does not erase the fact that your essay opening statement is lacking in the sentence requirement department. That tells the examiner that your presentation is incomplete and is not an accurate paraphrase of the prompt. You always need to present up to 5 sentences, no less than 3 in each paragraph because that is how your English abilities are best assessed. The more you use the language, the more accurate the judging will be. My presentation would have been:

The advent of technological devices have created a new way for children to fill their vacant hours. While some believe that the advantages of these devices outweigh the disadvantages, there are those who believe otherwise. This essay will discuss both points of view in order to determine whether or not the positives of technological use among children outrank the negatives.

By creating a more accurate representation of the prompt in your own understanding, you will be able to write at least 3 sentences that will help you better outline your English understanding capabilities, which are scored first. Don't present any information like a personal opinion at this point. You must save it for the body of the essay where you will then be scored on your ability to explain yourself in English. You will have 3 paragraphs with which to do that.

If you want to get the best possible score for your body of paragraphs. Never discuss 2 topics in one paragraph. The highest possible score for the C&C section can only be achieved if you are capable of fully explaining, reasoning, and supporting a single idea in one presentation. The GRA score is highest when you are capable of threshing out your thoughts in a manner that allows you to develop a mix of simple and complex sentences. When you present more than one thought in each paragraph, you do not have the opportunity to fully defend each side and increase your GRA potential. By focusing on a single topic, you maximize the scoring potential of each paragraph.

The problem with your conclusion is the same as your opening statement. You are not fully utilizing the presentation of the summarized discussion within 3-5 sentences. So you lessen the potential of your essay to achieve its maximum score.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Oct 25, 2017   #3
I just removed all my comments cause I think you do not need them. Please just follow Holt's instructions. I do not care if the admin suspends my account anymore. This will be my very last post here in EF after being a member for more than 5 years. Good luck

Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time.