Technology Brings Changes toward People's Interaction

technology and its effects on relationships

Original question:
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?

In modern society, technology brings changes toward people's interaction.

It is common that everyone is equipped with a high-tech device, which makes the contact with friends or relatives more convenient and efficient. For instance, people tend to send text messages or make a phone call on apps via mobile phone rather than writing email or even physical letter. Besides, technology makes it easier to find new friends online. Couple of dating apps can be found on apps store such as Pairs or Goodnight in Taiwan for people to find their partners. People do not have to worry about how to create an opportunity to meet the opposite gender. All the information is collected online whenever and wherever they need.

Despite of the benefits of technology, I still tend to hold negative perspective toward this development. On one hand, people will lose the social skills due to lack of interaction in reality. Some people who are active on social media turn out to be shy and uneasy when associating with others in their real life. Technology makes people put to much time on virtual interaction online and ignore the importance to interact with people in reality. On the other hand, fraud is easier to be attained because of information asymmetry online. Lots of cases about online scams are broadcasted frequently on news programs. Especially for teenagers who cannot differentiate between right and wrong, it is dangerous for them to be exposed too much on those apps.

To sum up, technology indeed brings efficiency and convenience to our life. However, without the carefulness, it might also be harmful to us.

@rivathh
Dear,

First of all, your first and last paragraph are lacking of contents.
For the first paragraph, u can cite some examples about the changings that tech may bring to introduce your essay.
As for the last paragraph, u can briefly conclude contents in the second and third paragraphs.
Grammatically, there's an error at the beginning of the third paragraph: Despite of the benefits of ... It should be whether using "despite" or "in spite of" instead of "Despite of". Also, I think u can add some conjunctions to make your essay more fluent.

And, in the third sentence of third paragraph: ... to be shy and uneasy when associating... I think "uneasy" can be crossed out.... people put totoo much time ....

On the other hand, fraud is easier to ... asymmetry online., I don't understand what u tryna explain...
Especially for teenagers ... on those apps. I think it may be more fluent to change into "It is dangeours for teenagers, especially for those who can't identify the accuracy of information, expose in those apps."

Best wishes and keep praciticing!!!

@rivathh
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me provide you with feedback on your writing.

While I appreciate that you tried to incorporate complexity of structure in your writing, try to focus more on adding dynamism in your writing by playing around with the form and length.

Furthermore, try to also add concrete examples.

Being descriptive does not mean that you should have unnecessary commentaries in your writing. What this pertains to more is the general flow of your writing. Try to have a more organic approach to writing than a forced academic tone. The former definitely has more impact than the latter.

Best of luck as always.

@rivathh
Hello there,
I guess you're writing a IELTS writing essay. If that so, you'd be marked down as you didn't add your thesis statement in your introduction paragraph.