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Technology's development makes people today more likely to do their job outside of offices.

irhame 52 / 50 25  
Nov 23, 2015   #1
Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc).
Do benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

Information technology has changed human life. As such, people today are more likely to do their job outside of offices. While some believe that it brings some benefits such as effectiveness and work productivity, I argue that it will cause many drawbacks like individualist and crime.

As a matter of fact said that, traffic congestion is the main factor causing employees come late. By working at home using the advanced mobility, workers can save their time, their money, and they do not feel stress. For example, A 2013 New York Times recently reveals that modern telecommunication tools have increased effectiveness of British employees above 20% annually. As a consequence, the employees can totally focus on their job skills. Therefore, the advance technology of information enhanced workers capabilities. Not only this, businessmen who have high mobility will be more helped. They can easily carry out negotiating and dealing with their clients.

Despite these advantages, there are counter-arguments disadvantages for modern mobility. Initially, while a wide range of sophisticated information devices serve users, it is inevitable that they become lack of socializing. This is because they only interested in their computers to finish their work. What is more, when people use it on the street like in phone or laptop, it will persuade criminal to steal these expensive equipment.

The aforementioned evidence explains that the technology of information plays an equally important role in human being. On account of this, people argue that this advance can help employee to do homework outside of office which can improve their skills and time effectiveness. While it is true, I totally believe that it will boost individualism and crime rate.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 23, 2015   #2
Irham, why are you discussing drawbacks in this essay when the prompt is asking you to only discuss "Do benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?" You really have a problem staying close to the prompt. Your first paragraph totally deviates from the prompt expectations and even delivers an unclear statement relating to " I argue that it will cause many drawbacks like individualist and crime." What do you mean by "individualist? Can you please explain how these relate to the way that Information technology or mobility outweighs the disadvantages?

I am really sad about the way that you manage to get back on track in the body of the essay, properly discussing the prompt requirements and delivering on all points, only to drop the ball and repeat the mistakes that you made in your overview introduction in the concluding paragraph. What makes it so hard for you to stay on track with the prompt? Do you lack focus? Or perhaps you forget to refer back to the prompt when you are developing the essay? You can always refer to the prompt again anytime you need to so please, do that before you write your conclusion next time in order to make sure that you stay on point with the prompt.

Your almost acceptable conclusion was totally ruined by the inclusion of the following line:

While it is true, I totally believe that it will boost individualism and crime rate.

If you remove that and merely restate the prompt at the end in the expected manner, the essay would have had a better chance at getting a passing grade.
OP irhame 52 / 50 25  
Nov 23, 2015   #3
thank you very much for your feedback
i write both side benefits and drawbacks since i try to make comparisons between them.
actually, i still confuse to discuss the essay with this prompt whether i should answer both sides or only benefits for all my essay. what is the best one?
Lanarey 3 / 6 7  
Nov 23, 2015   #4
In my opinion, you should state clearly which one outweighs another from the opening. Then in the body paragraphs, use more reasons for the side that you support.

ex: You prefer working at home, then state 3 reasons for it, and spend only 2 ones for working at office.
Another way might be state reasons for the side you support, then have a reputation paragraph why the rest can't outweigh
Just my opinion. Hope it can help you in some ways ;)
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 23, 2015   #5
When you are presented with an essay prompt that asks you discuss the benefits of this mobility , taking into consideration the disadvantages of the technology, it is always best to discuss the essay along the lines of a compare and contrast essay. I suggest that you do it that way because the comparison essay allows you to do exactly what the prompt requires, which is to discuss whether the benefits of the technology outweigh its disadvantages.

By presenting both the advantages and disadvantages of the essay, you will be able to conclude the essay in such a manner that the discussion of the benefits and disadvantages will clearly present the side of the discussion that you are taking. It is always important to discuss both sides of the essay because you need to balance the reasoning within the discussion.

As such, it would be best for you to just choose one benefit and one disadvantage to discuss. Make sure that you strengthen your discussion of the side you support and weaken the discussion of the side that you are not in agreement with. In truth, there are no right or wrong ways of discussing this essay. The only problem that you have, is centered on the way that you were unable to develop the restated prompt. That is what made your essay weak so you should work on developing your ability to develop your thesis prompt :-)

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