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Toefl essay---Technology has made the world a better place to live.


tiantianwenzi 3 / 8  
Oct 7, 2009   #1
Hi,friens
i do need your help. Is my first paragraph too long? And i am not completely sure if my details support my topic. i look forward to your advice. Thank you.

Toefl essay-: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

As can been seen, a recent survey conducted by the experts indicates that twenty percent people lose their jobs due to the development of technology during the last ten years. Recently an accumulating number of people put their emphasis on the hot topic if technology makes our world a better place to live. A fair proportion of people contend that it is true that the development of technology affects us in the negative ways, others, nevertheless, advocate that we should not blame technology .As far as i am concerned, technology should be responsible to some problems making our world worse. There are numerous reasons why I get this conclusion, but I could just explore a few of them below.

There is no doubt that technology contributes much to the development of our society. It enables us live a better life with the convenient transportation and the complete facilities. Additionally, it provides some more efficient measures for solving the problems caused by human beings' faults.

Hence, technology results some serious problems which make us distrust it completely. Environment pollution is a issue caused by technology apparently. For example, building more factories leads to more air pollution and water pollution. Besides, its noise really disturbs the residents who live around the factories.

Furthermore, with the assistance of machines more and more people became unemployed. And this issue may give a bad influence on the security of the society.

In a word, thought technology exerts many positive influences on society; its negative aspects appear more obvious. So I hold the view that technology does not make our world a better place to live completely. And if we would like develop our world without the negative aspects, we must be more prudent when using technology.

EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 7, 2009   #2
Hence, technology results some serious problems which make us distrust it completely. Environment pollution is a issue caused by technology apparently. For example, building more factories leads to more air pollution and water pollution. Besides, its noise really disturbs the residents who live around the factories.

Not really sure what this has to do with technology. Factories were built before there was much technology.

Your first paragraph is actually not long enough. The problem now is that it is all mixed up, and doesn't follow a logical flow. First, define what you mean by technology. Second, make the case for the benefits of technology. Third, discuss the negatives. That will lead you into the next part, about your opinion, and so forth. Your first paragraph, then, will have 6-8 good well-developed sentences.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 9, 2009   #3
your format is not very good, introduction is much longer than bodies.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 9, 2009   #4
I'm not sure, thinhtv, that your comment is very helpful. I had already addressed the length of the intro, and how it actually needs to be expanded, and then the other sections following with details and contrasts.

tiantian, please try to submit a revised intro only so we can discuss that.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 11, 2009   #5
when you start a paragraph, should make supporting sentence for the topic sentence. the great way to make essay more strong
OP tiantianwenzi 3 / 8  
Oct 12, 2009   #6
Thank you so much for your advices. This is my revised intro.

As can been seen, a recent survey conducted by the experts indicates that twenty percent people lose their jobs due to the development of technology during the last ten years.Technology,in another word,the invention aiming at developing the society. Recently an accumulating number of people put their emphasis on the hot topic if technology makes our world a better place to live. A fair proportion of people contend that it is true that the development of technology affects us in the positive ways,such as providing the promotion for our transpotation and communication. Others, nevertheless, advocate that technology brings our world more problems.As far as i am concerned, technology should be responsible to some problems making our world worse. There are numerous reasons why I get this conclusion, but I could just explore a few of them below.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 12, 2009   #7
oh, it is too long again.
for essay, in the introduction, u should write from 2 to 4 sentences is enough
good luck
aroundtheworld 1 / 8  
Oct 12, 2009   #8
As can been seen,A recent survey conducted by the experts indicates that twenty percent of people losehave lost their jobs due to the development of technology during the last ten yearstechnological development in the last ten years .Technology,in another word this context,is an invention aiming at developing the society. Recently an accumulating numberMany people recentlyof people put their emphasis on the hot topic of technology, specifically how it makes our world a better place to live. A fair proportion of people contend that it is true that the development of technology affects us in the positive ways, such as providing the promotion for our transpotation and communication. Others, nevertheless, advocate that technology brings our world more problems. As far as I am concerned, technology should beis responsible to for some of the problems making our world worsein our world . There are numerous reasons why I gethave this conclusion, but I could justand I will explore them below.

I've edited the grammar of your essay and made it a little shorter, but it still feels a little wordy to me. Consider removing the explanation of what technology is; people will know what you're talking about. Your essay isn't a dictionary! You might also consider removing examples of good and bad technologies from the introduction and tackling those issues later in your essay.

I hope this helps!
R.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 12, 2009   #9
chnology,in another word,the i nvention aiming at developing the society. Recently an accumulating number of people put their emphasis on the hot topic if technology makes our world a better place to live. A fair proportion of people contend that it is true that the development of technology affects us in the positive ways,such as p
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 12, 2009   #10
I think it's fine now. It's ok if it's a little longer, because it is a more complex subject than others.

I would also leave in the definition of technology. I'm not all that sure everyone knows what it is in this case. it will help support what you say later in the essay.
aroundtheworld 1 / 8  
Oct 12, 2009   #11
After rereading it, I would definitely say leave the definition. Sorry if there was any confusion.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 13, 2009   #12
There is no doubt that technology contributes much to the development of our society. It enables us liveachieve a better life with the convenient transportation and the completed facilities
OP tiantianwenzi 3 / 8  
Oct 13, 2009   #13
Richard, I do need the rectification for my essay,thank you!
kokujampo /  
Oct 13, 2009   #14
i think your essay will not be working in the toefl test. you should add more specific details and examples for your main ideas.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 13, 2009   #15
Hence, technology results in some serious problems which make us distrust it completely
Environment pollution is an issue caused by technology apparently
lyqinyi 3 / 6  
Oct 17, 2009   #16
Contain more personal examples, then the essay will be better, in my opinion.


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