Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place


tututuan 1 / 1  
Sep 8, 2017   #1

technological revolution and comfort of life



The 20th century experienced the technological revolution. Undeniably, technology has changed dramatically our lives. Most of these changes contribute to making our life more convenient, comfortable and wonderful. In my opinion, technology has made the world a better place to live.

Firstly, the advent of computers and the Internet has exploded the information technology revolution. We can connect many people all over the world by many ways for example: Mail, Facebook, Skype. In addition, we can search and save the information, the knowledge or news from a huge data source and continuously updated.

Furthermore, with the development of technology, the machine is programmed and completely automated. Machines make it easier for humans to perform everything from the simplest to the most complicated of tasks, which required high-precision, high work intetensity or high risk. For instance, goods are mass produced with high-precision, factories are controlled and operated with a click in the computer or exploration the Univese by spacecraft.

Besides, technological advances have benefits our life with significant medical improvement. The medical field has successfully transplanted heart with specialized equipment. Many people suffering from diseases and illness has a higher chance of surviving.

On the one hand, opponents of this view say that technology has not made the world a better. They point out that artificial intelligence and machine will affect employment. Besides, they suppose that the environmental pollution is due to the impact of technology. To a certain extent, this is partly true. However, this argument is unreasonable because machinery irreplaceable human and technology will have new discoveries, many new job is created. Moreover, sources of alternative energy can solve enviromental problems. For example, solar energy, wind energy or tidy energy.

In conclusion, advantages of technology outweigh any disadvantages it brings to our lives. I am of the opinion that technology has made the world better, therefore we have to apply technological correctly and reduce disadvantages that it brings.

Thank for reading and please editing my essay

memorymatrix - / 2 1  
Sep 8, 2017   #2
The essay is coherent and easily understandable. However, there are a few grammatical mistakes and unnecessary pauses. Please go through the essay again, and find them. Please take care of singular/plurals and articles.

In the first paragraph, it should be "has changed/transformed our lives dramatically'.

Second Paragraph: 1. Rather than exploded, it would be better to use words like accelerated, spearheaded etc, and it is convenient to use technological revolution. 2. People can be instantly connected around the world via various modes of communications.

Third Paragraph: 1.Machines are programmed and completely automated, which makes...... 2. perform all types of tasks, which require 3. technological advances have benefited
OP tututuan 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2017   #3
@memorymatrix
thank you very much
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Sep 9, 2017   #4
Tuan, your essay will fail in an actual test because you did not follow the discussion instruction. You were being asked to agree or disagree with the essay. Instead of saying "I agree / disagree", you said "in my opinion", which is not what the original prompt is asking for in the discussion. In the opening paraphrase, you are required to present, not only your understanding of the topic for discussion, but also a response to the instruction that is given for the development of the presentation. Since you did not post the original prompt prior to your response, I am unable to accurately assess what a more appropriate way of representing the discussion would have been. I cannot rely only on the discussion instruction for your essay assessment, I need also need the full topic presentation in its original form in order to help you. Even without that though, I can tell you that your essay will definitely fail in the TA portion because you did not properly represent the discussion instruction you were provided with.

Even worse, is that you proceeded to discuss a comparison essay when you should have focused only on the reasons as to why you agree or disagree with the statement. One response, "I agree / disagree" accompanied by 2 reasons that justify your position on the matter. Towards the end, you even began to discuss the advantage and disadvantages of the issue, which further drove a discussion of a totally different prompt in this essay. The final score for this will definitely not be one that is even near a passing score.


Home / Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place