IELTS TASK 2- Many teenagers now have their own smart phone. Advantages and disadvantages of this

ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES ESSAY

Topic: Many teenagers now have their own smart phone. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your own opinion.

Essay:
The young now have more chance to own a smart phone than their parents ever. Beside the advantage is that they can learn independently anywhere at any time, wasting time is the biggest drawback from smart phone that I believe parents should supervise the phone usage regularly.

Learning freely is the advantage that teenagers who have a smart phone gains the most. Because the internet is everywhere, students can approach to many knowledges around the world with different languages. With an ability to collect right information, it will maximize the advantage when studying. In my experience, I have found many courses that improving myself such as Learn and Master guitar system by Gibson which teaches me to play a guitar at home through a phone screen. And there are many more schools choosing to teach online in the Covid-19 pandemic which will expand the chance for learners to do research by themselves. This helps young people using phone properly and increasing their research ability. Despite of its advantage, distraction is the biggest problem that young phone users have to deal with if not being looked after carefully.

There are many features in the phone take attraction from the young such as social medias and games which means that it distracts the young from studying. While in class, a notification pops up and its owner will subconsciously take the mobile to check. This action cuts the concentration flow and it takes a moment to focus again which prevents students from deep work or study. As concentration is being stolen, the result after studying will be noticeable low.

Teenagers are received many modernist technologies that even did not appear in their parent generation. So, the one who choose to use phone wisely will profit most instead of throwing time out of the window.

You need to provide a close enough reference to the original prompt in your restatement. You cannot change or add to the original presentation because that changes the essence or message of the original prompt. A more appropriate restatement would have been:

More young adults these days own internet connected mobile phones. With this ownership also comes benefits and drawbacks. Based on some personal considerations, I would have to say that due to the prevalence of these gadgets, there are more negatives than positives to its ownership by these people.One advantage is... While a commonly known disadvantage is...

Avoid starting words with conjunctions. As connecting words, you should be sure that there is an idea previously presented which will connect to the next idea in a cohesive manner. That means, you should not be starting the second sentence in the first reasoning paragraph with "because" or "And". The first reasoning paragraph was getting along well in terms of clarity. However, the sudden entry of the Covid-19 discussion in the paragraph, with very little explanatory development, created a confusing and little developed topic presentation. You should have just stuck with the single reason you presented at the start. Setting aside that error though, you did a good job in using a transition sentence at the end of that paragraph. That will surely help your C&C score as you proved that you could connect the advantage and disadvantage discussion in a clearly connected manner. You presented a convincing negative discussion as well. It was clearly defended using knowledge and examples.

However, you did not write a proper concluding paragraph. I am not sure what you were trying to discuss in that paragraph. Whatever it was, you failed to clearly make yourself understood. Next time, aim to simply restate the topic, the advantage, the disadvantage, and your opinion. Do these within 3 sentences and you will be able to present a well developed and presented concluding summary.

Some grammatical points are needed correction, for example, this one:

There are many features in ...

In my opinion, this sentence can be corrected into

Many features in the phone distract the youngster from studying such as social media and online games.

First: lots of grammatical mistakes needed to be fix: Besides; Gains, Approach to; collect the right information; the one who chooses....

Second: You should balance the sentences and ideas of both sides.

Third: try some synonyms : advantages and disavantage---->pros and cons,