[TOEFL] Telephones and emails have made personal communication less required

I would appreciate it if someone could rate or make comments on my essay. Thanks.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Telephones
and email have made communication between people less
personal. Use specific reasons and examples to support your
opinion.

There are many advantage of these invention, telephones and email. Communication between people by using telephones and email made my life easier. I personally disagree with this notion that these types of communication, telephones and email, made people less personal. I will give several reasons to support my opinion.

To begin with, telephones and email help people, who live far away from other people, to connect each other. Unlike email, send message by using mail service could be lost and could be sent to wrong address. I can using telephones and email to talk or write directly to people I want to connect with. For example, right now, I am in the U.S. It is not possible to have conversation in person with my parents, who live in my country. Consequently, I can make a phone call or write email to my parents whenever I want. Telephones and email made me feel close to my parents.

Second, Using telephones and email could express some important words better than face-to-face communication. For instant, sometime when I argue with my friends, I cannot express my self to my friends at that moment. So, when I have a time to realize what had happened, I could explain the real thought that I want to express without emotion. Thus, these types of communications make me feel personal.

Telephones and email make me feel personal because I could directly connect with people that I love. Beside, I could express my personal thought through telephones and email. As a result, I believe that telephones and email do not make communication between people less personal.

.... why do you want to talk about your experience here? The introduction does not need any examples or justifications. It aims at introducing your theme.

To begin with, telephones and emails help people to stay connected despite of the fact that they live far apart from one anothrer


Emails are more efficient and reliable in terms of delivery where the normal letters may get lost in transit due to wrong address or postal delays.


I can use


.... good example :)

In my opinion, far from causing less personal communication, people can derive many benefits from telephones and email.


For instance


sometimes


Actually, they make communication more personal, rather than people.

I advise you to use these conectors "Firstly" instead of "To begin with", "Secondly" instead of "Second" because they sound more formal in a essay style (but you can use either :) ) and ,also, to add a final conclusion at the end of the essay beginning with "In sum up" or "Finally".