Ielts writing task 2: Many things can influence the development of students

The essay below is an ielts writing task 2 essay. Please give me some comments. Thank you so much.

Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student. In this regard, peers have more of an impact than teachers do.

To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Answer
Many people have valued the role of classmates on a student's school performance and emotional development over that of teachers' impact. In my opinion, I profoundly disagree with those people as both of them are equally essential for pupils.

On the one hand, the influences of teachers on the comprehensive development of pupils are strictly necessary. To begin with, the most common role of teachers is to teach learners all necessary knowledge they need in school and give them homework to do at home. Additionally, they encourage undergraduates try their best by creating competitive environment in classroom. Therefore, in the long term, they achieve more academic goals. Moreover, Teacher not only educate their students, but also listen and talk with them when they have a problem. For example, as a veteran being, they can give adolescents useful advices when they have just broken up. As a result, young learners will easily overcome that situation and become more mature.

One the other hand, fellow classmates also take an equal role to a student's academic improvement as well as the development of his emotion. First, they motivate each other to perform better in schools. In fact, pupil tend to make more effort if their peers complete better than they do. As a result, they increasingly accomplish in school. Second, classmates help young learners grow emotionally by providing them with new ideas, beliefs and experiences. This can help students develop a better ability to control their emotions and get along with others.

In conclusion, I suppose the significance of fellow classmates and trainers can not be brought into comparison to see which one is more vital since they have distinctively equal meaning to a student's comprehensive development.

285 words.

There are 2 errors in your presentation. The first, is that you changed the topic for discussion from "many things" to "many people". People are not the same as things. In this regard, you will appear to not have properly understood the original discussion topic due to the change from "things" to "people". You also did not give a proper response to the given question which asks you to pick one reason to defend in the essay. You cannot say both have a profound impact because the choices you are given for the reasoning discussion are specific. Either you:

- Agree that peers have more of an impact than teachers
- Disagree that peers have more impact than teachers

When you are given an "or" choice, that means there is an alternative decision that you can make. That does not mean you should defend both sides. That means you can only use one side, the other being an alternative response to the question. Since there are only 2 reasoning paragraphs, you need to give 2 individual, convincing reasons for the examiner to read. Convince him that your opinion is correct, based on the degree of your disagreement with the given statement.

This is not a comparison essay. I guess you are not familiar with the types of Task 2 essays yet. The A/D and comparison discussions are written using both sides of the discussion. All agree or disagree essays rely on a single opinion presentation in the reasoning paragraphs.

Never use words of uncertainty in these presentations. You must always have a strong statement in the presentation in support of a clear opinion. When you say you "suppose" that means you are not sure if the discussion presentation you presented is correct.

Thank you so much, i really appreciate it!