(IELTS) Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities

(Hello everybody, this is the first time I have joined this forum. I would be grateful to receive your help. Thank you very much.)

Task: Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities ?

What make people engaging in risky activities?

Many people like common sports and activities bringing a fit health. However, some people are keen on playing dangerous sports for three main reasons: seeking new experiences, clearing away the negative mood and showing that they are brave, confident and strong.

The first reason why some people are interested in dangerous sports or activities is that wishing to seek new experiences. These people often feel curiously with activities they have never joined before. Therefore, they would like to play to experience new feelings such as extreme excitement or scary.

Another reason is that the dangerous sports help people reduce the negative feelings such as stress and sadness. For example, when people are under a high pressure they wish to experience the dangerous activities so as to forget it. Therefore, these activities bring people a more comfortable and happier mood.

Finally, people enjoy playing dangerous sports as they want to show that they are brave, confident and strong. Some people especially the young join these sports to show friends their particular ability. For example, they often take photos to record the moments they play dangerous sports and then post them on the social network for showing. The young is really happy when having compliments from their friends.

In conclusion, a large number of people adore joining dangerous sports or other dangerous activities due to looking for new experiences, relaxing and showing themselves. However, I think people should consider carefully before joining this kind of sports because it might endanger their life.

Is that, they wish to seek new experiences.
These peopleare often curious with activities they have never tried before
...when people are under high pressure
...their particular abilities.

...post them on social network media for showing
...should carefully consider...

Hi Thuy, are you reviewing for the IELTS on your own or are you taking review classes? The reason that I ask is because you have not taken the proper approach to developing the opening statement of your essay. It is a common mistake for those who are reviewing alone to begin their discussion of the topic immediately in the opening paragraph. That is not the correct approach. Let me start you off on a tutorial that lists down the 5 basic elements of an IELTS paragraph:

1. The opening statement- contains a paraphrase of the original topic plus and outline of the upcoming discussion based on the prompt requirement. A thesis sentence is included at the end. No actual presentation of information or discussion takes place at this point.

2. Body paragraph - details the first discussion point relevant to the essay.
3. Body paragraph - represents an additional discussion point for the given topic.
4. Body paragraph - usually a personal opinion that supports the previous paragraph.
5. Concluding statement- a summary of the previous discussion and reiteration of the thesis statement.

You made mistakes in the opening statement and concluding paragraph in terms of discussion content. The body of paragraphs are informative, but still contain some marked errors that will result in a lower score being considered for your essay by the people concerned.

Another common error that exists in your essay relates to the sentence development. Each paragraph requires a standard of 3-5 sentences in order to meet the minimum and maximum sentence development representation per paragraph. The number of sentences in a paragraph normally allows the test taker to prove his English language skills in relation to GRA and C&C considerations.

Don't get me wrong, the essay that you wrote is good. It just has formatting and content problems because it is your first attempt at writing this essay. If you note my advice above and apply it to your future essays, your practice scores will improve and you will most likely pass the actual test. I look forward to guiding you up to the time when you take the test.

P.S. - Please include the full original prompt that you are responding to the next time you post a practice test here. If I know what the total instructions are, I can give you more relevant and accurate advice regarding your writing development. Thanks.

1) Your first sentence is irrelevant.
2) I do not think you can count your experience.
3) It is a must to paraphrase your the topic first, then write down your opinion.
4) Who wish to seek new experience?
5) Feel + adj.
6) Curious about st.
7) You do not join an activity, you practice/ engage in/ participate in/ join in the activity.
8) 'Scary' is not a noun, mate.
9) 'Dangerous sports' is repeated several times. Change the word.
10) comfortable and happier mood => sounds inappropriate.
11) showing themselves => show what trait of them?
12) Generally, you have the ideas, but the problem here is that you do not fully address the topic. One body paragraph must have a topic sentence showing your opinion, 2 or 3 sentences to explain further (you can add examples if needed). Your conclusion is not clear enough, too.

13) You do not use a wide range of vocabulary flexible structures.

@Holt
Hello Mary Rose, Thank you very much for your feedback. It is really detail and useful to my study. I am studying IELTS on my own, so I really need your help. Thank you again.

@Danstand
Hello Danstand. Thank you very much for your help. It is really useful to me. I will help you in return@ Serena11

@tran14
Hello Tran, Thank you very much for you help. It helps me a lot.