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Toelf essay Some people believe that success comes in life from taking risks


Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 1, 2010   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing an essay, so please help me.
An essay exam is forthcoming.

The question is that

Some people believe that success comes in life from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

In my opinion, success comes from careful planning. You have to spend more than months preparing for an exam for university admission, learn and obtain worthwhile experiences from internship to get yourself ready for a job after graduation, and familiar yourself with unexpected conflicts among colleagues during a work by looking back on the similar example which happened in a university so that the problem is effectively solved. With careful planning, people are able to survive and live a happy life in a complex era of the globalization.

To start with an example, Mr, Joe, The son of Mrs, Brown, can attend a famous university in United State. To illustrate, he wants to study at the Hardvard University, so he arranges a time schedule to read all materials necessary for passing a difficult exam with more than thousand opponents. Because of his good planning in a timeframe of his working toward an exam, he is able to be admitted into the Hardvard University as his wish.

Furthermore, during his studying at the Harvard University, he makes a decision to do an internship at Film Company to practice his knowledge in classroom. As taking a course in mass communication he really wants to expand his knowledge by working as an intern at a film company to gain more experiences important in this kind of field. After working here for a while, he makes sure that he is ready for going in for a position in mass communication after graduation. His skill will make a lot of profits for a prospect company.

More important, In addition to his good experiences in working, he knows how to stay with coworkers in a film company. The way he use to lessen this difficult is to refer to his precedents when studying in a Harvard University. One of the methods is that he should pay attention to his colleagues by helping them out with hard assignments. With this approach, he is likely to continue his work smoothly.

In conclusion, the use of careful planning has more benefits than one of taking risks or chance. You cannot pass a university exam within a month without studying hard, cannot be quickly accustomed to a real work without experiences and cannot be friendly with other people working in a office, which results in resignation in the end.

tsungyuwu 3 / 12  
Jan 1, 2010   #2
In conclusion, the use of careful explicit planning has more benefits than one of taking risks or chances . You most likely cannot pass an university exam within a month without studying hard, cannot be quickly accustomed to a real work without experiences, and cannot be friendly with other people working in a office, which results in resignation in the end.

Hi :) I am actually a international student and I took TOEFL test this year. I had the exact same question on my writing section.
I am not sure what you mean by "cannot be friendly with other people working in a office"
Good job!
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 1, 2010   #3
Right,Tsung Yu Wu I may forget thinking about The sentence: "cannot be friendly with other people working in a office"

I probably express wrong feelings.

Anyways, Thank you for your feedback.

are there any more help with my essay?
hitchhike 14 / 27  
Jan 2, 2010   #4
Hi,
...attend to a famous

and cannot be friendly with other people working in a office
Maybe it's better to change in this format:

..cannot be a sociable colleage in the office..
p.s. I like your style of writing telling a story about Mr. Loe and going through your reasons.


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