I have just completed my pieces of writing but don't have anyone to help me out. Hope that you guys can help me from structure and grammer perspectives. Since it is a 30-minute test, I did not do any modificatons by now and hope that you could give a mark （out of 30）.
Thanks so much.
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-rather than doing things they should do.
Within the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented development of entertaining means due to the advancement of technology. Take my uncle Joshua as an example: he pays the visit to the museums in the city to appreciate masterpieces of art on weekend periodically. Personally speaking, I disagree with the statement that people spend too much time on personal entertaining things which they like to do. By contrast, I believe that it is vitally important to enjoy ourselves in daily life from two perspectives: people's mental health and their outlook.
On the one hand, there is nothing wrong to pour our time into entertainment in society owing to our mental health. It is revealed in a scientific research that there are large number of individuals who died from homecides as a consequence of heavy pressure. Even though making strenuous efforts to lead a life is necessity, people are virtually supposed to pay attention to amusement to divert stress, especially after a tough day of work.
On the other hand, during the process of enjoyment, people are available to the access to a brand new world. When it comes to specific hobbies, it means having a good command of fresh experiences and knowledge from the communication with acquaintances. What's more, it is likely to make new relationship, which is helpful to shape the way of thinking and to render us to be much more tolerant to differences.
So from my point of view, it is true that we are obligated to do something to suit the society demands, but it is pivotal to be obsessed in things we like to do. Not to mention the spiritual burden from competitive society, it is reasonable for us to broaden our horizon.
Crystal812 interesting explanations, but it would be better if you consider a few points more:
1. In your first paragraph you should ONLY briefly introduce your arguments which you will support with compelling examples in your second and third paragraph.
Take my uncle Joshua as an example: he pays the visit to the museums in the city to appreciate masterpieces of art on weekend periodically.
2. If you repeat same adverbs at the beginning of paragraphs, proofreaders would think that your adverbs vocabulary is too limited.
So from my point of view, Unfortunately, this is a week opening for your conclusion since everybody knows that it is your opinion. You do not feel to repeat it .
Try to enjoy writing your essays.
I'm studying for TOEFL exam as you do. So I'm not an expert and I only share the information that I know about writing an essay in TOEFL exam. ;)
Your first paragraph should be the introduction for your whole writing. An introduction paragraph doesn't include examples. Only the general info about the subject and your idea about it are mentioned briefly. The examples and details are included in body paragraphs. Additionally, try to write your conclusion paragraph more stronger. As AAORA said everybody knows that it is your opinion. So try to generalize your opinion. Show that others agree with you when they read your reasons in your previous paragraphs.
I suggest you to watch Notefull videos on YouTube. They explain how to write a good essay for TOEFL exam.
Wish you luck,