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During my life I learnt a wealthy amount of things, things that have come to define me.


vaizardx 1 / 1  
Aug 16, 2009   #1
What is one thing you do really well?

(This is my first draft of a college app essay, any suggestions or editing that could be done to improve this essay would be deeply appreciated!) :)

Through the experiences that I have gained so far in life, I have been able to learn a wealthy amount of things, things that have come to define me. However there has been one particular event in my life that had deeply impacted me in realizing what one of my true strengths/talents is.

This talent is not one of those "I am extremely skilled and talented in investing in the stock market" or "I am able to run the 100m sprint in 10 seconds" talent. The talent I have is the ability of being able to effectively motivate and encourage people including myself in things that we strive to achieve, whether it's to perform well in a musical or to attain an A+ grade in your school subjects.

This particular memory was from a school basketball match, with our school team against South Island School back when I was 15. It was the semi-finals, and with no surprise it was an extremely important match for all of us. Throughout the first half of the game, we were falling behind by an occasional 15 to 20 points. Knowing myself as someone who is repelled by people that admit defeat without even showing any effort at all, I decided it was time to step out of my shell. I simply couldn't stand playing the ball game with my team mates showing no sign of aggression and passion to win the game that we always wanted to win. With that said, as soon as the second half started, I asked my team mates this, "Do you guys want to be the ones that moan and regret about not trying when we really lose to them? Or do you guys want play like real basketball players and give some effort into trying to win this game so that we could qualify to the finals? Even if we try, and with bad luck we lose this game, at least we won't go home in shame knowing at least we tried. I know you guys hate losing as much as I do. But if you don't try you will, if not definitely, lose. If you do try there is ALWAYS a chance to win." With that short motivational speech, it seemed that it proved effective on my team mates. From being slack and lazy, we bolstered up in to an actual team that wanted to win the game.

Mind you, the short motivational speech did pay off in the end, as we made an exceptional comeback, resulting in a victory by a breathtaking one point. The only thing I regret for trying too hard was, sometimes it comes with a price, and during that event the price was a twisted ankle!

As well as motivating through times of athleticism, evident from the improvements that I have achieved in classrooms and exams in my high school years, motivating to do better in my academics has also seen light. The hardship that my parents have gone through in flourishing me and providing me with the many things that I have achieved and attained, their hardship reminds me and motivates me to work to my heart contempt to repay them for their good virtue in the future.

I believe this talent of mine, being able to motivate is a talent that every single one of us is acquainted with, however some people are able to utilize this talent better than others, as there are circumstances where they know when and how to use it to its best effectiveness. I am proud to say I am one of those people. I love to be influential and I love being a source of motivation.
tiantian12 8 / 47  
Aug 16, 2009   #2
It's a quite special talent. haha~^^
I think you should shroten the start of your essay.
Some part of it is a little redundant. Make it concise.
Your experience is good, but I think to fully show your talent, you should some other proof to make it convincing.
Keep working!
OP vaizardx 1 / 1  
Aug 16, 2009   #3
thanks! i made some changes to my draft mind reading it and suggesting any changes to it? :)
tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 16, 2009   #4
im not too sure, but are u supposed to spell out numbers like fifteen and twenty? :o
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 16, 2009   #5
Quite frankly, I found your essay boring. When I finished reading it, I found it unimpressive. You use too many words to describe things that do not need to much detail, such as, how you perceive yourself.

For example;

Knowing myself as someone who is repelled by people that admit defeat without even showing any effort at all, I decided it was time to step out of my shell. I simply couldn't stand playing the ball game with my team mates showing no sign of aggression and passion to win the game that we always wanted to win.

Like..um
Before reading this, I was like this: -.-
After reading this, I was like this: -.- (with face resting on hand)

And that is not the only example, for it applies to a vast percentage of your essay.

I suggest you revise your essay.
By revising, check your grammar obviously and remove the lameness.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 16, 2009   #6
Try condensing the rest of your essay a bit too, making everything more concise and using stronger verbs wherever possible, then repost. At the moment, you make what could have been a very well-described, exciting basketball game into something dull that the reader can't really picture or care about.


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