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A True Soccer Mom. There are many ways to learn, improve and fail at something.


jrobertson49 4 / 5  
Apr 26, 2008   #1
Please help this is just the start of my paper I still need to finish the closing, but I am having a problem doing that this paper just isn't flowing and isn't making a lot of sense to me right now. I also need help with the Thesis I can't figure out how I want to word it... I know what I want to say it just sound right in the writing. Please help if ya can... Thanks....

Here is the final draft.
A True Soccer Mom

Someone may ask how they would feel playing a sport or even coaching a sport they know nothing about. There are many ways to learn or improve on something, and then there are many ways to fail at something.

A daughter comes to her mother and asks to start playing soccer for a real team that includes practices and games. The mother goes to the athletic location to sign her daughter up for soccer. A week later the mother receives a call to educate her that her daughter has a team but there is no coach. The athletic association asks the mother if she would like to be coach for the team. The mother lets the representative know that she does not know anything about soccer so she would not know where to start nor ways of coaching a team of eight girls to play. She does tell the athletic association that she would be willing to assist where needed, but if a coach could be found that would be appreciated. The next night she was contacted by a man that stated that he would be the one coaching the team but needed an assistant coach to help in other areas. Nervously, the mother decides to help

The soccer season begins and the girls have their first practice. The parents and the girls got to meet the coach at the soccer field. The mother that volunteered to help coach learns her duties in the season, these included contacting the parents to organize a list for after game snacks, ordering jerseys, and then contacting a company to take team pictures. This became overwhelming for the mother that did not know anything about being one in charge of a soccer team or in this case, an assistant to the team.

During the soccer season the girls learn from someone that knows about the sport and improve as the season goes on. The list has been made up for after game snacks, along with the pictures getting taken before one of the games. The season is almost over the last thing that this mother had to do was get trophies for all the girls that would be handed out at the end of the last game. After all the trophies have been handed out, the team learns that their coach will not be back for the next season. The mother and another mother of a player on the team decide that they will coach the team next season.

Now the next season starts and she is having to accomplish both tasks, which does include help from another mother, but really she is doing all the work with just an assistant on hand. She has to order jerseys for the next season, contact all the parents about doing a list of snacks for after the game, and coach the team during practices and games. The first game comes and she is having to substitute one girl to go in and has another come out. All that she knows at this point is not to touch the ball with their hands, try to kick the ball in the opposite goal, and not let the other team score in their goal. Sometimes she is learning from the referee what is and is not allowed. The team has not won a game in the second season, but she does know that the girls are having fun.

With this all said, the mother feels the girls are having fun, but not acquiring any serious, long-term soccer skills. The mother, or coach in this case, is doing her best to make this a worthwhile experience for the girls; she hopes that in the near future they can have a more experienced coach to help propel them to success in the sport they so dearly love.

EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Apr 26, 2008   #2
Julie,
I enjoyed your essay, even if it was incomplete. I can totally identify with your account of a woman struggling to do something she knows nothing about. I found it to be refreshing and, because I've been in this woman's shoes, somewhat humorous.

My first question is why you chose to write it in this tense. Writing in the third person works really well, but I'm curious as to why you decided to use the present tense. It sets the essay on edge, and if this is what you desire, that's fine. I'm just curious.
OP jrobertson49 4 / 5  
Apr 27, 2008   #3
thank you that helped so much, when I finish the rest I will send for a final ideas
OP jrobertson49 4 / 5  
Apr 27, 2008   #4
this is my conclusion what do ya think?

With this all said, the mother feels that all the girls are having fun but not getting anything accomplished if they want to make this a full time sport for their lives. The mother or coach in this case, is doing the best that she can do to make this worthwhile for the girls to grow so that someday and hopefully in the very near future they can learn from someone that understands and knows how to coach these girls to propel in the sport as their heart desires.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Apr 27, 2008   #5
Good morning!

I like the concept of your conclusion, and I think with a little help cleaning it up you can really get your point across.

The first sentence, "With this all said, the mother feels that all the girls are having fun but not getting anything accomplished if they want to make this a full time sport for their lives" can be boiled down so it is not so wordy. How about something like, "With this all said, the mother feels the girls are having fun, but not acquiring any serious, long-term soccer skills."

The next sentence, "mother or coach in this case, is doing the best that she can do to make this worthwhile for the girls to grow so that someday and knows how to coach these girls to propel in the sport as their heart desires" could also be trimmed. How about something like, "The mother, or coach in this case, is doing her best to make this a worthwhile experience for the girls; she hopes that in the near future they can have a more experienced coach to help propel them to success in the sport they so dearly love".

Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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