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Writing Task 1: Two mail companies: TNT and FedEx


meirkhan 1 / 3 1  
Mar 28, 2017   #1
The graph illustrates how many parcels were delivered by two competitive mail companies between 1920 and 2000.

TNT vs Fedex - Comparison



In general, it can be seen that TNT Company experienced a consistent upward trend, while FedEx figures showed wild fluctuations in the given period. Another interesting thing is that in 1920 the number of parcels delivered by Fedex were considerably higher than in TNT, however the situation changed in the last given decade.

In 1920, TNT parcels stood at just 5000, then this number doubled more than twice in the following 40 years and reached about 12000 parcels. It was followed by slight decrease in next 10 years, after which the figure showed steady rise to just over 11000. Afterwards, the figures experienced a dramatic soar to just under 25000 parcels.

In the beginning of the FedEx path, the number stood at 15000. After there was a considerable rise during next 20 years, followed my dramatic plummet to around 12000 parcels in 1960. After that, the figure experienced a significant increase till 1980, followed by level off at around 17500 parcels.

Thanks in advance!



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,699 3503  
Mar 29, 2017   #2
Maiirkhan, your opening statement does not follow the required information for a task 1 essay. The information in that paragraph should present an overview of the discussion, as per the prompt instructions. It should have detailed the forthcoming discussion in order to create the image of coherence and cohesiveness in the essay since you are scored on how you logically and chronologically present your discussion. Failing to do that, as in this case, will force a lower task accuracy score. While the presentation of the information is acceptable, I cannot help but feel that you could have done a better job at informing the reader. Since you have paragraphs that are only 2 sentences long, you accidentally ended up creating more run on sentences than you expected. You can avoid that by using a period to separate information instead of a comma. Aim to present 3-5 complete sentences in the paragraph in order to increase the chances of a higher GRA score on your end. This essay though, should be able to score around a 4 based upon all the information I presented above.
OP meirkhan 1 / 3 1  
Mar 29, 2017   #3
@Holt
I understood my mistakes, thanks
Reza_Hidayat 13 / 18 1  
Apr 1, 2017   #4
@meirkhan
You use only a limited range of structure with only rare use of subordinate clauses , and You should mention the main idea in each body paragraph to emphasize the main feature like the most noticeable feature.
MikaTan 2 / 4 1  
Apr 1, 2017   #5
Personally, for me i will mention the Peak for each courier service. You can also mention some remaining number too. Overall a minimum of band 6

Thanks
agus_mono 13 / 23 2  
Apr 3, 2017   #6
hy meirkhan,,
this is my suggestions:
firstly, you have to introduce the graph by paraphrasing the question. i think it can improve your score. turning to the paragraph 2 and 3, it is better if you arranged the paragraph with any plan, i mean you have make a short brain storming before you strart to write. it will help you in arranging your paragraph well. i think you need more practice to improve your score.

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