UBC Personal Profile: Tell us about who you are. (The Idealist)

(This essay doesn't require a title)

Prompt:

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

I was the quixotic type as a child. My dream career changed from time to time, from an illustrator, to a physician, a physicist, then a NASA astronaut; only to name a few. I was driven by the desire to emulate the individuals I saw on televisions; those who have sparked innovative ideas and made an impact on the world.

Now, as a young adult with my own proclivity, my enthusiasm shifted towards psychology, astronomy and chemistry-- fields that never fails to pique my curiosity. However, I still faced the dilemma of choosing a specific field to study in college. Balancing academic achievements, capability and interests, I decided to pursue chemical engineering, the course that ticked all the boxes, and more importantly: suited my inquisitive personality.

I was born into a devout Muslim family when my parents were both in their early forties. As the last child with five much older siblings and mature parents, I was raised surrounded by those who instilled moral virtues within me since a very young age. And perhaps due to that, friends would describe me as someone who lives by her own values and principles, as I am not shy to stay true to myself even if it means being the odd one out among my peers. Nevertheless, I also cherish different opinions and insights that provoke thought as I see differences as a tool that encourages growth. That being said, I regard these qualities as something I am genuinely proud to possess.

Please comment on my content and structure. I'm trying to submit before 15th Jan so I would highly appreciate your immediate help. Thanks in advance!

Only the last part of this essay requires your personal point of view. You should only speak from the first person perspective regarding what you are most proud of and why. The rest of the essay should be from the second person point of view. A specific point of view that your parents have about you as their child and your academic performance would be good to indicate. Your friends should say something about your personality and maybe a sport or extra curricular activity that you participate in with them. The community can be from the point of view of a neighbor you spend time helping or hanging out with. Revise the presentation as per the aforementioned guidelines so that the essay can meet the prompt requirements.

... a NASA astronaut; only to name a few.
... that never fail s to ...
... specific field to study in college. ... achievements, capabilities and interests, ... importantly, : suited my ...
... true to their lives by her own values and principles; , as I am not shy ...
... provoking insights that provoke thought , as I see ...

I fixed a few grammar mistakes. Aside from that your essay seemed very disjointed. First you talk about your own academic interest and challenges then suddenly go on to talk about you family background and personal beliefs without tying it to the first paragraph; It kinda sounded like two different thought trains. I think you could fix this by moving the second paragraph to the beginning and talk about how your instilled moral convictions have given you a strong desire to be an influence like the people on television.

Frankly, I'd cut out the part about your academic interests(there is another essay question specific to academic interests) and just focus building the first and second paragraphs more. other than that the writing was good, just needs to be more fleshed out. Hope this helps and good luck!