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The unemployment level in Australia 2012 (IELTS Writing Task 1)

roswita116 16 / 37 17  
Sep 12, 2019   #1

Australian citizens without any occupation

The line graph illustrates the percentage of citizens without occupations in city districts and countryside territories from the beginning of 2012 to the last of 2012 in Australia.

Overall, the ratio of unemployment in countryside showed downward in the first two quarters while the other portion of city area was displayed upward. However, it is exceedingly apparent that both proportions which displayed the citizens without job decreased dramatically at the beginning of third quarter.

After the downward trend, both lines went to the steady upward trend for a period of time. Nevertheless,when the percentages of rural sections reached around 5.5%, it suddenly turned into fluctuated situation which can be apparently seem the line ups and downs until the last month of 2012. On the contrary, the city districts depicted the third-increased trend from around 3.9% to 4.9% in the last quarter of 2012.

Moreover, the percentages between both areas in last quarter are the closest compared to another period of quarters.

Maria - / 1,098 389  
Sep 14, 2019   #2
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this feedback to be somewhat helpful for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, it would be appreciated if you had a more straightforward writing approach. Take, for example, your first paragraph. You had a lengthy sentence as your introduction - and this certainly drags your essay to the core. I would opt for shorter and more concise sentences, especially because you shouldn't feel the need to overexplain certain thoughts or opinions.

Having said that, I would also mention that you have to be more cautious of the way that you construct your sentences. Remember to incorporate appropriate punctuation and pauses (ie. take a look at your second paragraph's first sentence).

Small details pile up and do matter in the end.
OP roswita116 16 / 37 17  
Sep 21, 2019   #3
Thank you for your feed back.
I really appreaciated. 😁😁

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