These days, the main purpose of universities has generated a great deal of discussions. For this reason, some experts believe thatuniversities are the place for students to acquire professional qualifications as job prospects are very important. it will be better if put chucking words to maintain the flow sentences between first and second sentences. However, others think college's curriculum should focus on knowledge itself rather than skills because it gives them a chance to fulfill theirlifelong ambition. While it is reasonable, I am totally convinced that universities' aims should provide more opportunities for students to study their own shake inasmuch as it is more beneficial to their comprehensive development.
There are some ways to polish your flow sentences; using personal pronoun, synonyms, cohesive devices; but you have to pay attention more with using personal pronoun in your sentence because some personal pronoun that you use lack of accuracy. However, in my personal opinion, using "inasmuch as" as the conjunction interrupts your flow sentence, although it is formal conjunction.
It is certainly true that the main aims of high institutions are to secure a better job. (1) The majority of people want to improve their future career by attending universities owing to the fact that graduates who have high qualifications are more marketable in today's competitive world. An extensive research about this topic has concluded that almost every manager in big companies over the world has high education degree. (2) As it can be seen from this statement, this shows that knowledge and skills which are provided by universities have an enormous role on student's future jobs.
1. I'm not sure about this sentence, in my personal critical thinking, that the aim of universities is mastering some people to be well-qualified and well-educated people rather than secure a job.
2. I have to say that your scientific fact is weak, you can make it strong with using the authentic fact that mention about "when, where, who, how many, result" and it should be relevant with the topic sentence as the main point that you explain in this body paragraph.
Conversely, others argue that universities are the central place to obtain knowledge for students. Plenty of evidence pointed out that most of the successful person (1) who achieves great accomplishment is who have chosen their study interests. Take Nobel laureates in science for example. (2) Their dedication and painstaking investigation on their own science have been successfully developed many useful theory (3) for humanity. Interestingly, they (5) usually come from universities which put knowledge (4) as the cornerstone of their aim. As a result, they (5) can maximize their potential and pursue their own aspiration.
Some grammar issues:
1. the most of successful people
2. Taking Nobel laureates in science as an example, subject + verb.
3. plural - singular
4. apply, impart (use some appropriate vocabularies for knowledge)
5. You have to pay more attention to personal pronoun.
Overall, your writing is pretty good, but you have to read sample answers as many as you can.
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