Variety of ways in which parents can prepare their children for future life - teaching finances

Hi! Here is my essay for TOEFL IBT independent writing. Please help me check it!

children should learn to manage their own money at a young age

In this Toefl writing task 2, I will have 30 minutes to plan and write my answers ( through typing in computers)
The instructions also say that typically, an effective response should contain a minimum of 300 words.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There are a variety of ways in which parents can prepare their children for future life. Nevertheless, whether kids should be taught about finance from an early age to become financially accountable adults remains controversial. In my opinion, it is better for kids to learn money management at a tender age. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following paragraphs.

First of all, this allows them to make wiser choices on how to spend money. If children discover that they simply could not obtain all the things they desire at the same time, they will learn to set priorities. Take my little brother as an example, at the start of each month, he receives an amount of money from his father and uses it for the rest of the month. At first, he was extremely excited and spend all of his money on toys, so his room was filled up with all kinds of toys. However, he soon emptied his wallet and failed to purchase his favorite comic book when the new episode came out. He was regretful and gradually understood that in order to collect enough money for the book, he needs to stop wasting on unnecessary toys. That is how learning from mistakes can help kids financially in the long run.

Second, financial lessons from childhood enable children to realize the value and importance of money. In order to achieve financial independence, it is crucial for one to spend less than he earns and start saving. Otherwise, he may encounter difficulty controlling his money. For instance, if a child is born into a wealthy family and immediately obtains what he asks for, he will take money for granted and make no effort in saving it. As he matures, he is likely to use up all his earnings and runs into debt. Therefore, parents should increase their offsprings' awareness of money when they were small.

In conclusion, I believe that children should be equipped with money management skills since childhood. This not only helps them reach the right decision on how to spend but also teach them the significance of money, which may benefit them in the future.

Thank you for reading!

It is not necessary for you to teach me how to do my job. I am a trained contributor and I am well versed in all the requirements for all the English language tests. I am insulted by your explaining the review criteria for your essay. Do you think I cannot review your essay properly? You forgot to identify what test you were taking before, hence the mistake in reviewing your work. If you do not provide the correct test title, you will definitely not get correct advice. If you feel that i am not doing a good job at advising you, that you have to teach me what to do, then maybe, you should be seeking advise elsewhere.

Do not use numerical ordinals in your presentation. You will always get a better scoring consideration with the use of clear topic sentences. As of now, your third paragraph starts on a clearer discussion note than the second one. that is because your topic sentence contains a reminder of what the discussion is about. Your second paragraph forgets the importance of that topic reminder within the topic sentence.

Always use sentence structures that connote strong support for your explanations. Avoid words of uncertainty such as "if" as this removes the authoritative and academic tone of your presentation. Rather than saying "If children discover", which is a weak sentence opening, you should say "Children should discover that they..." which indicates a strong support for your personal opinion. This can convince the reader to support your argument.

Avoid using casual references such as "little brother", instead, use the more academic sounding "younger brother. Do not use casual and informal words in your presentation. The same goes for "It is crucial for one". It should indicate instead, "It is crucial for a n adult..." You have to clearly separate the reference from child and adult.

This is a good start. You have done well. You still have room for improvement though. Try to avoid the mistakes I mentioned here next time.