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The view that businesses should have the duty with community beside their aim to make profit



emma_chen 1 / -  
Jun 25, 2018   #1
Hi everyone, I am going to sit for Ielts exam this August so I really need your advices/ comments about my essays to make them better. Please help me and thank you a lot.

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities.


Do you agree or disagree?

People recently hold the view that businesses should have the duty with community beside their aim to make profit. Personally, I totally agree with this opinion.

On the one hand, making money is not only the way a business exists and develops but also the way it brings potential influences on other aspects of society. It is true that the more profit enterprises create, the more taxation they contribute to national budget. As the consequence, these amount of money would be allocated to vital fields such as education, medicine or environment to serve the public. Another point is that the companies can extend their scale throughout higher revenue, which leads to more job opportunities for unemployment people in whole society.

On the other hand, there are social responsibilities that any business should adopt. Firstly, by developing production system for more profit, many companies come at expense of environment deterioration. According to that, global warming from factory emissions or iresponsible disposal of industrial waste are unavoidable damages. Secondly, business owners should put money back into the community by philanthropic activities or scholarship funds for humanity and education purposes, which simultaneously serves as a wise social marketing strategy. For instance, Unilever, a big coperation, has gave huge charitable donations for disavantaged people and their public image is enhanced a lot due to that efforts helping community.

In conclusion, although making money is really crucial towards businesses, I am convinced that they have strong reasons to be partly responsible for social burdens together with government.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15385  
Jun 26, 2018   #2
Tran, please keep in mind that the C&C scoring section of the task will be based on a complete paragraph presentation of 3-5 sentences. Regardless of whether this is an opening or concluding paragraph. Therefore, you need to make sure that your paragraphs meet the minimum and maximum requirements. While you did meet the requirements in your presentation, you used extremely long sentences connected by commas to connect your ideas. Long sentences and run-on sentences are not equal to a complex sentence presentation. Do not make the sentence presentations too long as it could be considered a run-on sentence and be scored down in terms of GRA considerations.

Additionally, you should only discuss one topic per paragraph, making sure to fully develop the discussion in order to get a better C&C score. Coherence and cohesiveness is all based on the number of sentences and the strength and clarity of your explanation. That is why you have to limit yourself to only one topic per paragraph. With 5 sentences allotted per paragraph, there is no room for a full 2 topic discussion.

Now, to deal with the major problem of the essay. This is an extent, single opinion essay. While you gave an appropriate response for your thesis statement, you took the compare and contrast discussion route in the body of paragraphs, which is the wrong approach to this essay. Whenever you see the word "or" in the prompt, that means you can only discuss one side of the topic in the essay. Otherwise your essay will only be scored on a partial basis, focusing on the "extent" response that you presented. This mistake often results in a less that stellar score for the exam taker. Unless you are told to "discuss both points of view", you should not be writing about both sides in the essay.

Based on the paragraph related to your thesis statement, you could have had a very good chance of getting an impressive score with this essay. If you had only discussed it in the proper manner / format. Remember, unless directed to do so in the original prompt, all Task 2 essays must be discussed from the singular point of view.


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