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IELTS Writing Task 2 (Both Views of Blood Sport on Animals)

ditoaji 5 / 7 2  
Sep 22, 2017   #1
Topic : Blood sport have become a hot topic for debatable in recent years. As society develops it is increasingly seen as an uncivilized activity and cruel to the helpless animals that are killed. All blood sports should be banned.

Discuss both view and give your opinion.

effects of sport

Some believe that killing animals in a sport involving bloodshed is an indefensible and extremely unpleasant attitude.Since the large number of games have grown rapidly, developed communities paid more attention to this debatable topic. A majority of them claimed that all of such sports should be banned.It is rather excessive to several people's opinion that animals battle seems against its right for cruel act and owner's pleasure. On the other hands, it seems to have a beneficial impact on a few of societies.

Blood competition may cause animals suffering from dying or even bring death to those helpless animals at the end. A pet fights a losing battle to beat its foe, such as cockfighting games.Once animal wins, it also means lose out due to the fact that this animal are losing a lot of blood.In fact, the suffering can be prolonged and unnecessary after the game ends.Beyond that, owners will keep them training before the next game. This behavior may continue to give harm to both of people and also the animal owing to the fact that such sport does not consider the animals right indeed.

Turning to other arguments in which claim that bloody sport involving domesticated-animals has a beneficial impact on society like dog hunting. A group of dogs are trained to catch wild animal that some of them usually distract farmers cultivation.They tend to argue that hunting with dog is essential and not cruel because it eventually helps them by protect their field from endanger animals.

To sum up,society may came up with the idea of banning sport games while some propose its opposite.As seen in the natural act of some society (farmers),they use pets on purpose for no reason on their pleasure, this can be an evidence that such sport is allowed. However, another one will have a detrimental effect on animals and people's mental in the future, so that such game should be banned.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,577 2488  
Sep 22, 2017   #2
Dian, please do not paraphrase the original prompt requirement as you did in this essay. As you can see, the rephrasing that you did, which was utterly unnecessary, has created a confusing instruction sentence for your prompt. You are depicting only one point of view in the original prompt requirement while the instruction is asking for 2 points of view plus a personal opinion to be discussed. Exactly where is the paraphrased paragraph supposed to get the other point of view when it is not state in the original prompt? Do you see the problem that your over zealousness to paraphrase the original prompt in this practice test created? You must always cut and paste or retype the original prompt without alterations for a proper assessment of your essay to be completed.

Your paraphrased prompt is now faulty because it does not properly represent the original prompt requirements. In fact, I cannot even tell what the original discussion topic and instructions are at this point and because your paraphrasing is inconclusive and does not help the contributor to figure out the point of the essay.

Your discussion in each paragraph is confusing. The sentences often do not make any sense to the reader and causes stress on the comprehension skills of the person reading your work because of the problematic sentence structure, grammar usage, and lexical resources. This is not the type of essay that will gain a passing score in an actual setting. Due to the lack of proper prompt instructions and topic presentation, I cannot understand what the point of each paragraph is and why you are discussing the essay in such a manner. What are the prerequisites for the actual discussion? Your presentation seems to make some sense in some instances but I am not sure if your total discussion is fully applicable to the essay as required.

I am really troubled by the lack of progress in your written skills and English comprehension abilities. It does not seem to me that you will be prepared to take the IELTS test in a passing manner at the appointed time. I hope that you can somehow ask your tutor to help you better develop your English comprehension skills, as well as your grammar and sentence structure abilities. At this point, based upon the work that you have been submitting, I am not confident that you have the skills that it will take to pass the test.
sfiza 17 / 28  
Sep 23, 2017   #3
@ditoaji hello!!

I read your paragraph, I saw you need to paraphrase the prompt properly. U can do it using synonyms or another sentence structure. But paraphrasing is important part of introduction part for task 2.

Now I am going to discuss about topic sentences. Your topic sentence is unclear that does not present main idea of the paragraph. You have to write a topic sentence that represent the main point of parahraph , and it also have effect on scoring.

I will suggest you read more more article that gave you new vocabulary, new expression, and obviously different sentence structure.

keep writing :)

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