IELTS A 2 "Are violent games responsible for the increased violence in major cities"

Children today play very violent games . This must be the reason for the increased violence and crimes in major cities of the world.
What are your opinions on this?

Write at least 250 words.

Now a days almost all cities in the world are experiencing more violence and crimes than ever before. Based on the research, it has been shown that there are different reasons behind this. However violent games played in childhood are just one causative factor out of many. Therefore,I rather disagree with the fact highlighted for the increased crime rates in the world.

Increasing trend in crimes and violence is due to a number of reasons and further these may change depending on the part of the world. For instance children in the western world are exposed to alcohol and substances than the Asian countries. Unemployment and poverty are considered to be major causative factors leading to high crime rates. In addition, personality disorders also relate to the increased violence among teenagers. Therefore, these are considered top in the list as opposed to violent games played in childhood.

However, when children are exposed to such games in early in the life, they tend to be sensitized to violence and try to imitate their heroes in the games. The ways in which the crimes being portrayed in such games will allow the children to get to know the different methods to commit crimes. In this way they motivate themselves to engage in crimes. Nevertheless, its contribution is less significant in comparison to other factors.

In conclusion, every city has to concentrate on other aspects in preventing crimes instead of attributing to the games. They have to address overpopulation, unemployment and poverty in greater detail in preventing high crime rates and violence.

This is not wrong, but I prefer the word, "contributoary" for this idea.
Your introduction flows beautifully up to this point;


.... I feel you should align your opinion with the topic more;
Therefore, I do not fully agree with the fact that increased crime rates are a resulted only by children playing violent videao games.



... you give two reasons to support your argument. However, you don't provide specific examples for them. You'd cetainly earn marks on specific examples. My suggestion is to restrict your reasons to just one reason per para and then provide a specific example for that reason. This would help you manage time and earn marks both :)

Good writing !

One minor correction rather a question

I believe "nowadays" is one word

One minor correction rather a question

I believe "nowadays" is one word

I have a genuine question regarding the way this type of essay should be written. In the first para itself you have given that you disagree. So instead of saying that the role of video games is minor in the third para, wont it be better to discuss another topic which is in favour of your argument. My idea is

Intro
Favoring topic 1
Favouring topic 2
Conclusion

Instead of

Intro
For
Against
Conclusion

You don't need to say "however" because it does not fit with your previous sentence.


It's better to state it yourself.
Therefore I disagree with the fact that violent computer games are the only reason for increased crime rates in major cities.

I think you have done a good job. But it might be an idea to give a solution to this gaming problem since you too agree that it has some influence on the crime rate. Also I hope you are within the word count. :)

Thanks for your guidence, Dumi and Pahan.

mhss

Don't specifically direct personality disorders to teenagers; instead, generalize it and specify a the disorders, such as parent separation or something of the kind.