Voluntary service is not a compulsory part of high school programmes... yet

Q：Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree？

Helping others voluntarily

A：
In the present education system, voluntary service is not a compulsory part of high school programmes but still some people think that it should be added into one of them.

Life is not short but also not so long. People cannot live without interaction and communication. In this process, we learn how to help others and receive aids. As a result, appropriate opportunities offered for students to learn these thing are significant. Students could pick up lessons from helping others and improve their mind of empathy. They will understand why disabilities learn slowly and pay more patience to help them. They will also broaden their horizons by teaching children. Teaching is learning. For instance, they might realize their community service, they recognize distinct living situations and conditions and be more satisfied with their lives.

Although this voluntary course compress the time students could spend on studying and may cause some side effects, such as students are reluctant to help others, it still a meaningful activity to them. In the future, they can have a more mature manner to face other people who need helps. They will be more sensitive when they encounter problems. In my opinion, I definitely think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. There are tens of thousands of problems occurring in the world. If people can become more enthusiastic and welcoming, our lives will be better.

Helping others is not only providing aids but also receiving rewards. We will acquire more medical knowledge by working for a charity in hospital. We will establish a more intense connection with neighbours by helping marshal garbage. There are so many benefits through the voluntary.

(Thanks for helping me.)

Hello,
Here are some corrections,

and receive aids
learn these things are
it is still a
who need helps

The biggest problem that will have negative effect your score, is the way you paraphrased in the introduction section. Yout just copy/pasted the original prompt and also did not state which side you are supporting. Also, try to have at least 3 sentences in each paragraph. It is the minimum requirement.

Liou, your discussion is not aligned with the prompt requirements. You are being asked to discuss one side of the topic. Either you agree or disagree. You did not present an opinion based on the selections in the essay that you wrote. Therefore this essay fails immediately based on the TA portion of the score. Your paraphrase is incorrect. Although you did not copy and paste the original, as erroneously commented by the previous poster, you did not give an accurate representation of the prompt either. Here is a sample of the correct representation:

Community service is not currently a part of the compulsory subjects in high school. Some people have the opinion that unpaid community service should be part of the subjects taught in secondary school because there are some lessons for them to learn in the process. I strongly agree with the latter statement for a number of reasons that will be discussed in this essay.

Your current discussion deviates from the prompt. That means, you are not discussing the essay in a manner appropriate to the original instructions and therefore, ended up failing the essay test.