IELTS-WRITING TASK 2 about Water Pollution (causes and effects)

Can anyone comment and give me feedback on my ielts essay? thank youu

Question:

Pollution of rivers, lakes, and seas is a major concern for people who seek to protect the environment.

What are the possible causes of water pollution, and what effects does this have on animal life and human society?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, the existence of groups of people who have concerned with environmental issues is getting higher. They started to make several movements to prevent or even eliminate the effects. One of the main problems that created a devastating impact on the public is the pollution of water such as lakes, seas, and rivers. This essay will cover the source of water pollution as well as the effects they have on all human beings and creatures.

Since the world developed rapidly, especially in this advanced technology era, it is almost impossible if an industrial area does not produce some amount of waste as well as their ready-to-sell items. For example an international fashion industry like ZARA. Not only they generated fast fashion, but also a huge amount of waste that are not easily recycled. Not to mention the absence of natural resources as their materials. If it combined with other industrial activity, the amount of waste would be preposterous. In addition, the rubbish that appears from the housing area is also immense. It is stated in one research that they may produce tons per day. Those dissipation generated from the industrial area and the housing area will be ended as ashes or they will throw them on the water.

Definitely, this will create some adverse impact not only on human beings but also on animals and society. The first major effect is the change in the water ecosystem. Some species could not survive due to chemical waste in the water. It will be followed by the broken in the food chain that may lead them to be a rare creature. The second consequence is the scarcity of clean water. People may suffer from disease if they consume polluted water. The last issue that may come from water pollution is a disaster like a flood. When the heavy rain pours and the river is polluted, it is more likely to create a flood due to the bunged-up of the water flow.

All in all, the advance in the industrial era may create a large amount of waste and the impact on water is truly devastating if no one concerned about the issue. The impact will not only be concerning us as human beings but also animals and society.

Did you time yourself when you wrote this essay? Assuming that you wrote 376 words before the 40 minutes where up, did you bother to check your essay for thought clarity, prompt adherence, and appropriate relevant examples from your own experience and knowledge, rather than research? I ask you this because these are the obvious problems in your presentation.

In the first paragraph, the second send sentence is lacking a subject reference. There is a reference to a reaction, but a lack of proper sentence development to include the target topic of the sentence. Then, there is also the lack of proper direct response to the 2 questions asked. It is always easier to simply restate the discussion instructions. However, that restatement fails to create the thesis statement for your paper, which is a required skill for a student seeking to study abroad. All personal opinion papers must come with a thesis statement in order to help direct the clarity of your opinion, and provide the discussion points for the body of the essay.

Your information refers to research, which means this is not based on commonly known information or your personal experience. Such research reference means you do not adhere to the prompt instruction that indicates:


So you will have altered the prompt discussion in that aspect. Additionally, the paragraphs lack a thorough discussion development based on the topics provided. You are under developing your discussions as you are more focused on providing reasons rather than explanations. The explanation is more important than the number of reasons since the original instruction indicates:


Reasons are supporting statements for a topic. You will always do better explaining a single topic fully, rather than relying on a long essay that only enumerates reasons, while failing to address the clarity of your opinion and strength of the discussion. Writing long sentences does nothing for your score when you have clear mistakes in writing that you failed to correct.