Please help me to check my first essay,
Different goals of UK students
The diagrams compare and contrast data on the differences between the number of UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.
The number of UK graduate students was over seven times as high as the number of UK postgraduate students in all categories. The majority of UK graduate and postgraduate students decided to continue their study in higher education, it was 29.665 for UK graduate students whereas 2.725 for UK postgraduate students. On the other hand, the minority of them worked as a volunteer, it was 3.500 for UK graduate students while 345 for UK postgraduate students. Working in part-time was the second highest destination of UK graduate and postgraduate students, it was 17.735 for UK graduate students and 2.535 for UK postgraduate students. Unfortunately, a terrible condition happened. The number of unemployment UK graduate and postgraduate students was relatively high, it was almost a quarter of them.
Nurul, while you did meet the minimum word count requirement of 150 (you wrote 158 words), you did not accurately represent the necessary comparisons, discussions, and information presentation in the essay. It does not meet the format and presentation requirements of at least 3 paragraphs comprised of 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You must aim to present an expanded discussion of the provided chart because that will be the method by which your English comprehension, grammar accuracy, and sentence construction abilities will be judged. While you did a good job with your presentation here, the shortness of the essay will limit the possible high scores that you could get when you use better developed idea presentation and explanations. You can achieve this by separating your essays into 3 topic paragraphs. The 5 paragraphs should be comprised of your summary overview, 3 body of paragraphs, and a concluding statement. Presented in that format, you will be able to aim for a higher overall score than you will have with this current essay. This essay cannot score higher than a 4.
I have read your writing closely and will give a few suggestions. Firstly, you have to pay attention to form of paragraphing. I meant that to keep coherence and cohesion of this writing, you are supposed to make your grouping in this writing. It is better if you divided this writing into three paragraphs. In the first paragraph, you write the paraphrase of the statement as well as the overview. This overview is one of the important elements in the writing task 1 because that can give the general description the main idea in the body paragraphs. Because you are expected to fight with the time, you are supposed to write the overview in the introductory paragraph.
After that, please you picked up proper linking words to make your move smoother and reviewers can get what you mind. Following this, keep in your mind that your job in this writing is to compare figures, not to describe them separately. You have to do it on condition that you wanna get the score more than 6. I suggest you read more example of the writing task 1 so that you can get the essential points in the writing task 1.
Hopefully, these can help you for finalizing this writing.
I have red your essay and I thought, it is better if you divide your essay into some paragraphs such as paragraph 1 for introduction, body paragraph 1 and body paragraph 2 since it will help you manage all aspects of cohesion well, and you should write overview in your essay as a conclusion. Furthermore, you have to make comparison for some figures and try to find key feature in the chart. In my point of view, you use only limited range of structure. It is better if you use a variety of complex structure to boost your grammatical range and accuracy