TOEFL - Is working while studying better than taking for example a college loan?

Agree/Disagree essay - education and finance

Can someone read my essay and give me your feedback> Thanks!!!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Students should take out student loans to avoid working while studying.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Personally, I really disagree with the statement. Students shouldn't take out student loans to avoid working while studying. Why students should have a balance in red before graduates? In my opinion, I am not considered this option as acceptable.

On the one hand, taking a loan to pay college instead of working helps the student to have more time to study and graduate sooner than someone who is working. But I do not think that having an enormous debt before graduates it could be paid soon. It is going to take time to pay that loan. As a result, there are going to be year after year of economical struggles. I think that before of taking a loan, students should try to talk with families and friends to give them that money. Family is not going to add any interest and it is better to owe money to family and friends who are better off the bank. For example, in case the student is late to pay the loan, the bank is still adding more fee to the debt. On the contrary, the student's family know the student better and can push the student for paying the debt but remains the same.

On the other hand, I consider that working while study is a better option. Even tough students have less time to study, in general students who work organize better their time. Another advantage for these students are that they gain work experience before graduation. In general, companies give more value to people who have previous experience. They prefer to hire someone with experience rather than someone without any work experience. What is more, students who are working in the same field of their studies, can apply all the learned knowledge in field. Apart from gaining knowledge, they meet people who can recommend them in future jobs. And what is more, they are not struggling economically as someone who takes college loans.

In conclusion, I consider that is better option working while studying rather than having a high debt for taking a college loan. As I mention, the student while working can gain more knowledge and meet people for future job and gain a time management skill which are going to be worth it for future employers.

I found several grammatical mistakes.
In paragraph 1:
before+ doing: before graduating; I do not consider this option as accespetable.
Paragraph 2:
year after year: gradully increase financial stress
better off: better than
Paragraph 3:
even though

@Phoebe789
I do not suggest starting your essay with a personal statement. Instead, opt for making an introduction that can assist the flow of your narrative. For instance, you may briefly talk about the figures and the statistics regarding the usage of student loans in countries that highly use them (think of the United States). This can create a stronger and more substantial introduction.

You can perhaps use this as a template:
In the United States, [xxx quantity of adults] of young adults struggle paying off roughly [xxx amount of debt accumulated in range] over [xxx number of years it takes on average of pay off the debt]. This is why I disagree with the usage of loans in the educational system.

If you quantify your figures, the better it will be to add more content to your essay.
Watch out for your usage of participles, verbs, and fundamental grammar-related parts of speech. For instance, it is "I do not consider" instead of "I am not considered". Remember that you are not directly referencing to yourself - rather, you are referencing to something external to you. Reread your essay out loud multiple times when you're reviewing it to avoid this from happening.

I also suggest looking into better ways to transition your paragraphs from one to the next. I noticed that it is quite common for ESL learners to use "on the one hand" and "on the other hand". However, there are betterways to do this. You can omit the "on the one hand" of the second paragraph and simply start your essay. This can avoid redundant language that only put unnecessaryweight to your essay.

Aside from that, your essay has substantial and structured content. Just watch out for your grammar, and you'll be fine.