IELTS; Write a complain letter to manager about mobile phone is not working

Letter Requirements: Write a letter to manager to complain about you purchased a mobile phone from tax-free shop and it doesn't working properly. Ask him to solve the problem.

Dear Manager,

I am writing to express my feeling about the Mobile Phone that I bought from your tax-free shop, few days ago. After few times problems started to appear.

The malfunction I noticed about hanging the mobile phone when I tried to make a call. I am very surprised to see that much problem in a quite expensive model. Naturally, I returned the mobile phone to your store to be replaced with the new one. Your assistant said that it will take time. After four weeks later, I contacted by your store representative and I learned from him that I can't receive new mobile phone for the one that I bought.

I am very disappointed with the product and services that I received from your store and expect from you to serious action against my complaint as soon as possible. Otherwise I will be forced to stop the payment to your store.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. John

--> This should be more like a complaint letter, so I don't think "express my feeling" is really appropriate.


--> This is an incomplete sentence: it doesn't have a verb. My suggestion to revise it: "I noticed the malfunction when I tried to make a call."


(use either "After" or "later" because they have the same meaning)

Best

Thanks for your suggestion! It really help me lots.

.... This is good advice from April April. Yes, the tone of your letter should tally with your purpose.


... change the order of this sentence to read to clear and convincing;
When I tried to make a call, I found it is not in order.


I was taken by surprise how such a new and expensive model could malfunction.

.... I think here you are going one step further. What your prompt actually asks you is that to write a complain letter informing the manager about malfunctioning of the mobile phone. I guess you should stop at that and should not extend the case to any more further steps.


... and believe that you would give your serious attention to this complaint.