Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

WritingTask1: Boys and Girls cultural and leisure activities


Hewlett1920 1 / -  
Nov 8, 2012   #1
I need help. If somebody can assess my work and give me a feedback about it. This is for IELTS writing task1.
thanks in advance...

Boys cultural and leisure activites
34% Computer Games
26% Basketball
17% Soccer
11% Skateboarding
10% Listening to music
2% Reading

Girls Cultural and leisure activities
27% Dancing
21% Reading
16% Computer Games
15% Netball
11% gymnastics
10% Listening to music

The pie chart depicts information about the result of a survey of cultural and leisure activities that boys and girls engaged in.
It can be seen that there is difference between boys and girls interests.

The top activity among boys is playing computer games with 34% of boys participating in it. Occupying the second spot is
basketball with a rate of participation that is less than 4% of boys playing computer games. Soccer follows basketball with
a rate that is half of computer games. Skateboarding took the fourth position with a figure of 11%. Other activities, including
listening to music and reading, shared less than 15% of the total participation of boys in cultural and leisure activities.

Meanwhile, the activity with the highest participation among girls is dancing with 27% of share. Occupying the second spot in
girls category with a rate of participation that is less than half of the boys playing computer games. Netball follows computer
games with a figure if 15%. On the fifth position is gymnastics with 11% of girls involved in this activity. The activity with the least
participation in girls category is listening to music which has the same rate of its opposite gender engaged in the same activity.

One may conclude that the top activity among boys category is playing computer games, however, the most preferred activity by girls
is dancing. It can also be noted that there are some activities in girls category that boys are not interested to join in, such as dancing,

gymnastics and netball. The same with the boys, there are also some pursuit that girls are not interested to join in most especially those
activities that are extreme and requires physical strenght, these includes basketball and skateboarding.

Scientiana 12 / 43 10  
Nov 19, 2012   #2
Your essay is great. However, I suggest you to use more linking words such as on the contrary, while, whereas, etc. Besides, your conclusion should not be too long. It should be short and simple. Admittedly, your conclusion in the introduction seems enough for me, so you needn't write another conclusion at the end of your essay. Don't include your personal opinion in IELTS task 1 writing test!


Home / Writing Feedback / WritingTask1: Boys and Girls cultural and leisure activities