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'years to build' - WILL I EVER TRUST AGAIN?


tata98 1 / 1  
Nov 6, 2012   #1
I need my essay edited to get a 6/6 the requirements are:
-development: Skillfully conveys a real experience using well chosen details; effectively uses dialogue and description; concludes by reflecting on the significance of the experience
-organization: Has a coherent sequence that builds to a strong conclusion; uses effective pacing
-Language: Consistently maintains fist person point of view; effectively uses compound sentences for variety; weaves in sensory language;shows a strong command of conventions
My essay:
Trust takes years to build and seconds to break. But, over one foolish thing not only did I lose my trust for just one person, but for everyone else as well. Back in third grade, I had the same best friend I have now. However, we did not exactly get along how best friends are "supposed" to. We fought, we kicked, we screamed, but we always made up in the end. Nevertheless, she did one thing in particular which I could not bring myself to forgive her for.

In my elementary school, the "big" thing to have was Webkinz. Webkinz are little stuffed animals that come with a code so you can play with them online. If you did not have Webkinz you would not understand most of the topics people would talk about around you. After a really long time I convinced my strict parents to let me get Webkinz and ended up getting over thirty. My best friend, Daniela would always try to find out the password to my Webkinz account. Every day she would try something new. Whether it be looking over my shoulder while I was typing, or snooping around to make sure I had not written somewhere. She was a determined kid. And her determination was fixed on getting the password to my account. However there was another way to get into your account other than your password. Additionally, you could just put it one of the codes you got with one of your stuffed animals and then reset your password. I kept all of my codes in a box of erasers, hidden where at least I thought no one would be able to find them. Obviously, I was wrong.

Daniela used to come to my house sometimes in the morning so my dad could drive her to school, considering we went to the same one. She was literally a part of my family, our families were so close, we grew up together and sometimes I even called her mom aunt. One day I was getting ready, eating pancakes soaked with syrup, when I heard so much running up stairs it sounded like someone was doing track from my upstairs living room to my upstairs kitchen. I thought it was just my brother, going crazy, as usual. On the other hand, when I finally made it upstairs Daniela was acting strange, even stranger than she usually does. I knew something was up, but I just tiptoed around it because we had recently had a fight about some new friends I had made at school. So, I put my best smile on and got ready to take whatever life had to throw at me just to keep my friendship where it was. School was normal that day. The typical mean girls were making fun of Alex, the gym teacher's son, and calling him a teacher's pet. Recess was the same as it was every day, consisting of playing four squares or jump rope while talking about the latest Webkinz or how hard some class was. Everything seemed average, completely normal. However, I was in for a big surprise when I got home.

When I finished my homework and studying, I went straight to my computer to open up my Webkinz account. Unexpectedly, I found myself not able to log in. I tried over and over again. I whispered to myself, "Did I change my password?" "Had my mom locked it with the parental controls?" I stopped trying and went to reach for my codes. But, when I opened the eraser box it had nothing but erasers. I started to bawl my eyes out telling myself: "What in the world am I going to do next?" It might sound a little over exaggerated, but those Webkinz meant a lot to me. Then I suddenly remembered that I had a code up in my room from my most recent Webkinz also known as my favorite one. I ran faster than the wind upstairs, and almost fell when I ran at the same speed down. When I did finally get the password reset and the code to work, I saw that everything on my account had been changed. The clothes of my pets that I had worked so hard to earn, all my house decorations were changed, some of my favorite things were even deleted. When I saw all the similarities to what had been changed and deleted to what Daniela said I should change and delete a while ago, I put the pieces together and solved the puzzle. I immediately ran to tell my mom and she immediately accused me of lying. I knew I was right and I was going to find one way or another to prove it. I explained everything to my mom, and how Daniela was the only other one in the house this morning. I also explained to her all the changed deleted and changed to her own liking. After much convincing, my mom finally ended up believing me.

Daniela's mom was called and her mom and my mom talked for a long time on the phone in a closed room. The only words I heard were "I'm sorry to have to tell you this I'm sure it was a mistake." That was something I hoped for, but knew was not true. Later, my mom told me that Daniela would be coming over the next day and to not worry about anything until it happened. I did not get a wink of sleep that night. The next day was a long one; I did anything I could for entertainment including cleaning my room, while asking myself endless questions like "Will her mom think I am a liar?" "Will we still be as close as we were before?" Can I still trust her, or am I overacting?" Daniela and her mom finally arrived around three in the afternoon. I was as tense as a person could probably be. I tried to distract myself form what was coming by taking my Nintendo DS and playing it as Daniela walked in. She attempted to look me straight in the eye, but I just could not. Then we all sat down in my basement living room.

Daniela immediately broke into tears saying she was sorry. She said:" I was just trying to teach you a lesson. You left me for other friends and now I don't have a best friend anymore."

I replied, "You were still my best friend and best friends don't do that."
I will remember that conversation until the day I die and how sincere Daniela was being when she said sorry, but still found a way to spin it to blame me. It hurt more than anything else has ever hurt me, and I have never really trusted anyone with anything again. I am too scared that if I let someone too close to me I can easily be taken advantage of and stepped on over and over, it is just not fair. When I look back at this experience I see a little girl who easily got fooled and took things too seriously but lost trust along the way. Obviously Daniela and I got beyond this we've been best friends for thirteen years. Even though it was a foolish childish thing that I am positive she would take back if she could, it still hurt and taught me a lesson.

Leah_Writer - / 46 4  
Nov 6, 2012   #2
I think this is well-written, but I question your decision to say it hurt more than anything else has ever hurt you, at the end! That kind of hyperbole makes you seem less knowledgeable and serious. Instead, perhaps say that it was an extremely hurtful experience. I also think your title is perhaps a little over-dramatic, unless it was the assigned title. Finally, I would recommend reading it over for grammatical mistakes, since there are a few small ones.
OP tata98 1 / 1  
Nov 6, 2012   #3
Thanks for the reply it really helped i changed it to "I will remember that conversation until the day I die and how sincere Daniela was being when she said sorry, but still found a way to spin it to blame me, which hurt the most. Because of this experience, I am too scared that if I let someone too close to me I can easily be taken advantage of and stepped on over and over, it is just not fair. When I look back at the experience, I see a little girl who easily got fooled and took things too seriously but lost trust along the way. Obviously Daniela and I got beyond this we've been best friends for thirteen years. Even though it was a foolish childish thing that I am positive she would take back if she could, it still hurt and taught me a lesson." In your opinion, however what do you think would be a better title?


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