IELTS: young school leavers have a negative attitude towards learning

Topic : Many young people who leave school hold a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? What are the solutions?
could you guys plz review my essay, this is my first one in this forum :D

The increasing number of young students leaving schools has become one of the most significant issues that many people of today's society are very concerned for. Most of the school leavers think negatively about learning. In the following paragraphs, some particular reasons of the above trend as well as the appropriate measures would be given and analyzed specifically

first of all, we need to take the consideration that the general educational system in the world todays is too heavy. Students have been given so many assignments and projects to accomplish. Therefore, they seem to study too much. As a result, this status causes pressure and stress in students' life. Secondly, unnecessary subjects which have been compulsory in schools are unlikely to help the majority of students in their future careers. For example, while studying history, students have to memorise exactly events in the past whilst they hardly ever use this sort of knowledge for their purpose of earning money later on. Last but not least, compared to well-off nations, the educational system in poor ones is not paid by the government. Thus, a number of students who are from families suffering poverty possibly drop out of schools easily due to their economical difficulty

Fortunately, some solutions could be taken to prevent this matter. More specifically, the first one in this case is that students need motivation in learning. This can be solved by letting them know how happy they are when they have a chance to go to schools and showing them that the vast majority of children in certain poor countries throughout the world are lacking education due to poverty. In addition, the gorvenment should consider to increase the number of scholarships for good and poor students so as to not only motivate but also help them partly their economic difficulty

In conclusion, reasons listed out above can just mention some aspects of this matter. However, when the solutions have been given, hopefully they are able to change they way schools leavers think about learning and we would have a bright educational future ahead for our next generations ( 349 words )

could you guys check it to give me some better sentences that can replace mine, i wrote this essay within 35 minutes , is it too long with 349 words??? thanks

I understand this :) maybe our education is different from other countries' education. Maybe in Vietnam, history is not welcomed and applicable in most cases. So are the other subjects like physics, chemistry... I think this is just a matter of national education, we should not include in our essay right? It will lack generality don't you think? By the way, such kinds of subjects build up ourselves, we can't ignore their importance right :)

Hope this will help :) Your essay is generally good, except for some minor mistakes the others have shown :) great job man :)

yeah i think so, too . Actually i have never had any chances to study abroad , so when writing this, i couldnt think out any subjects which are generally appropriate in this case, so i chose history from my experience LOL, do you have any better alternatives ?

that kinds of subjects are important if we just cover some important aspects, students in vn once study super much abt them and forget nearly everything immediately after graduating LOL, it's undeniable that they create ourselves but in this case it's like useless ^^

It is always good if you expressed your point before ending your introduction although this essay is not Agree/ Disagree type. The benefit of this are that the assessor will know upfront exactly what your position is. This will then avoid any confusion when your essay is read.

I am not sure if all of these are clear to you, but this is what I know.

yeah thank u , i think this is a good advice, i will give my point in the introduction, it's better to let the examiner know my opinion upfront