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"1990's and what happened" - intro and conclusion help



her_heart 2 / 1  
Feb 23, 2007   #1
i need some help with my intro and my conclusion...will someone proofread? thanks in adv..it has to be general to specifics.. about the 1990's and what happened in it, in which i picked my 3 subjects..in my thesis.

Despite the changes through the 20th century, the year 1990 remains as a distinctive feature of modern society through politics, agriculture, and international foreign affairs. It began with the first African-American to obtain higher ranking in politics and the overcoming of a racial divide. As the year progressed on, the United States enters into the Persian Gulf. Also, the immense innovational attack of the Africanized Honey Bee occurred in America. The impact of 1990 in America came unexpectedly due to Douglas Wilder's accomplishment in racial diversity in politics, the country's entrance into international foreign affairs, and the African killer bee's migration to America.

con clusion
The 1990s saw political, cultural, environmental and even agricultural changes which impacted American lifestyles. The Wilder Effect, The Persian Gulf War, and Africanized honey bees were events that changed America's ethics. The Wilder Effect changed the way America thought about racial discrimination. The Persian Gulf War showed America leadership. The "killer bees" presented a threat to the U.S. but also helped the U.S. further its study of Africanized honey bees. Therefore, these events impacted the u.s during the 1990s.

EF_Team2 1 / 1703  
Feb 23, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I think the conclusion is pretty good now, although the last sentence could be a bit stronger. Perhaps, "These three events impacted the United States in ways which continue to exert influence today."

Your introduction is still a bit rough.

"It began with the first African-American to obtain higher ranking in politics and the overcoming of a racial divide." - Avoid passive voice such as "the overcoming of"; it weakens your writing.

"As the year progressed on, the United States enters into the Persian Gulf." - You have switched to present tense here; say "entered" -- and the U.S. did not "enter the Persian Gulf" -- it launched a war in the Persian Gulf.

"Also, the immense innovational attack of the Africanized Honey Bee occurred in America." - I'm not sure exactly what to make of "immense innovational attack." You mean the bees were innovators? This doesn't make sense to me.

"The impact of 1990 in America came unexpectedly due to Douglas Wilder's accomplishment in racial diversity in politics, the country's entrance into international foreign affairs, and the African killer bee's migration to America." - I don't really think you mean "the impact came unexpectedly." What about "The impact of these three events -- Douglas Wilder's political success, the Gulf War, and the migration of killer bees -- created lasting changes in this country that re-shaped the American ethos."

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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