A silent scream, imaginative emotions - Narrative essay

Hi,

I was given this narrative paper called "A silent scream", and it's due in a few days. I'm still pretty clueless about what to write. I was thinking about writing about more about emotions, probably imaginative emotions of some sort of objects or animals to portray the idea of "silent scream", but I don't know how and what to begin... Can you give me some advice?

Greetings!

If I understand you correctly, you are to write a narrative essay and the only other instruction is that the subject must be "a silent scream." Whenever I hear the phrase "silent scream" I think of the painting "The Scream" by Edvard Munch. If you google it, you'll find the image; I think it would be very easy to tell a story around this picture. That's essentially what a narrative essay is: telling a story. You could make up a story line for how the person in the picture happened to be standing on that bridge, hands over ears, screaming in apparent terror--it could easily be a silent scream. I read an interesting comment that perhaps the person is not actually screaming but is covering his ears because the landscape around him is screaming. In that case, his scream would be even more likely to be a silent one.

I hope this helps give you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thank you so much for your suggestion. It is the best I've received so far. I have a few story lines in mind now, so I'm gonna try them out and see what sounds the best. I feel really inspired now =]. I'm going to start writing right away!!!

The silent scream

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Hi, this is the essay I tried to write. Can you look through it for me, and see if there are any illogical parts? I had difficulty portraying the image of the little girl, and I'm not really satisfied with how I wrote... Can you suggest me something?

Greetings!

Another fine story! I like the creepiness in this one, and the way you utilized the image from the painting. :-) Here are a few corrections and suggestions:

"Carly stepped her foot on the marble floor. Each step gave her chills." - How about "Carly crept into the hall, each step on the marble floor bringing a deeper chill." Or something like that.

"staring into the space." - staring into space

"...in the darkness uncontrollably a shadow quivered." - a shadow quivered uncontrollably.

"The parent's voice..." - parents' voices

"A drop of tear rolled on Carly's cheeks," - A teardrop rolled down Carly's cheek,

"Teddy was squished in the quivering hands of Carly." - Her quivering hand squished Teddy. (Using active voice instead of passive.)

"...tearing away the silent." - silence

"...Teddy was dropped on her lap." - Teddy fell to her lap. (Active voice again.)

"The silent scream was too much for anyone to take." - I like the image of the silent scream here, but the second part of the sentence could be stronger--especially since it's the last thing the reader will remember. Perhaps you could say that the scream would cover the earth, or echo forever, or shatter the walls--something really dramatic--if it were released.

I got the point that Sister Malloy was responsible for Carly's silence, although I'm not sure that a little girl who wants a family so badly would be silent only because a mean nun had told her to. Could Sister Malloy's nastiness perhaps remind her of earlier trauma? Crippling silence must have deep roots.

One last thing: I'm not clear as to whether the moonlight dancing with Teddy was real or imaginary. If she is actually dancing after dinner every night, this clashes with the image of her as near-catatonic. If the dancing is imaginary, maybe Mike could say she hums waltzes and stares off into space as if she were watching a dance only she could see. If the dancing is real, she'd have to do it secretly and unobserved, or else the parents would know she isn't catatonic all the time.

If you can work out this minor inconsistencies, you will have a truly affecting story; actually it's most of the way there already. Thanks for sharing it!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Hi, thank you so much for your advice. Actually, in my story, Carly is an orphan; and Sister Malloy is the one responsible for her in the orphanage previously. She had been adopted by Mike and Lisa, but they decided to send her back due to her unusual behaviour. And the dancing thing is real =), but the parents did not pay much attention to her so they should not know about that. I think the story is not so clear because I did not talk at all about the orphanage thing at all. Also, do you think that I should write more about Carly's sad memories with Sister Malloy? Like how she was treated so badly that she felt so bad about going back to the orphanage?

Greetings!

Yes, I think it would help to tell more about Carly's past and why she is so traumatized. Being orphaned is bad enough without also having to endure harsh treatment by Sister Malloy.

I think the conversation between Mike and Lisa is pretty clear. You let the reader know that they were simply not satisfied with Carly once they got her home. I'm wondering if these people should even be parents. ;-) That's especially true if they failed to notice that Carly is out dancing on the lawn every night. Makes me wonder why they wanted a child in the first place. That's something you might consider addressing in their conversation.

This really is an affecting story. Just clear up the ambiguities, strengthen the ending, and it will be good to go!

BTW, does your school have a student publication? I know many schools do. If so, you should definitely submit some of your work. I think other people would enjoy reading it.

Again, best of luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Something else I forgot to mention:

Judging by your last post, you are thinking like a writer! Knowing your character's backstory is important to give her depth. Even if you don't state her background explicitly in the story, you can indicate it by her behaviors and thoughts. Also, the things that other people say about her or to her can reveal a little about what she's gone through.

So--excellent work, and keep thinking like a writer!

Sarah

Hi, thanks again for the advice. I added some more things here and there to make it clearer. I don't really want to add too much though, since it is supposed to be a short stories :) So can you please read and see if it sounds more logical?

The silent scream

"We are family! The parents, Teddy and me!"
On the lawn, waltzing clumsily to the hum were two shadows, one of Teddy and the other of Carly. This had been their favourite pastime in the last couple of weeks. After dinner, she would bring Teddy out into the garden and danced with him under the brightly lit lamps. As her silky skirt gently stroke her skin, Carly smiled. Finally, all her hopes came true.

In her old life in the orphanage, every time she danced or sang, Sister Malloy would whip Carly with her long cane; making noise was one of the unforgivable offences in her eyes. But ever since the parents took Carly here, she could sing, she could dance, she could talk to Teddy and nobody would hurt her. The parents did not seem to mind, as long as she did not bother them. It was not that much of a matter for Carly either; she had Teddy.

"Come on Teddy! It's bed time!" Carly whispered into Teddy's ear, as she hopped into her new big house and headed to her room. Her own room. Carly's own room. She liked the sound of it; she had a room, for her and Teddy alone. How could she ever forget the haunting nights in the orphanage, when the sharp, chilling sound of Sister Malloy's long cane when it hit her cold bunk bed whenever she was singing Teddy to sleep at night? Now, she had a new life, bright and peaceful. She liked to think that after she closed her eyes to sleep, the mother would come in to tug her in, and secretly kiss her good night, like what a mother would do in the books. And somehow, Carly had managed to convince herself that it was not merely a sweet dream.

Carly crept into the hall, each step on the marble floor bringing her a deeper chill. The floor always felt cold and hard against her feet. Tightly, her fingers clenched onto Teddy. Every time she finished dancing with Teddy, the house was utterly silent; there was only her footsteps resounded. But that night, she could hear some voice far from the end of the hall, tearing away the silence of the night.

"Let's go and see if the parents are still awake, shall we? Come on Teddy!" Carly hugged Teddy tightly to her chest, and tiptoed towards the dully-lighted room, the parent's room.

Carly halted as the voice became clearer in her ears. She leaned on the shivery wall, her fingers clutching at Teddy.

"Tomorrow the child goes, and that's the end of it".
"But Mike, the Children's Aid had assured us..."
"Oh come on, Lisa, you have to admit it; she will never fit into our lifestyle. God knows we tried, but look at her now, an emaciated seven-year-old girl lifelessly staring off into space and humming her stupid song all the time..."

Outside the room, Carly's legs collapsed.
"Lower your voice, or she will hear you..."
"And she even talks to herself! Or her stuffed toy, for that matter. Look, I'm fed up with her. Tomorrow I'll call the Social Service." For a moment the father paused, followed by a sigh. "Don't worry Lisa, we can always find another one, prettier and more cheerful, with hazelnut eyes like yours. We will find another one. I promise."

In the obscure hall, a shadow quivered uncontrollably in the darkness. The parents' voice dwindled in her ears.

That was it. All her hopes had shattered. All her dreams had vanished. The fairy tale had crumbled into ashes.
"It's okay, isn't it Teddy? We are still together. Still. Together." Her whisper silent cracked into silent sobs. Carly tightened her embrace around Teddy, and started humming "We are family! Family with Teddy and me!" as if the hum was a charm, as if it would make give her warmth, as if it could make her feel more wanted.

Suddenly Carly felt a scream rising in her throat, a scream that could bring down the walls around her.
And yet, silence still conquered.

The next morning, when the parents woke up, they found a little girl sitting stoned along the hall, Teddy's furry paw kept in her mouth.

Greetings!

You're welcome--I'm glad to help, especially since I'm a writer, too. Believe it or not, I couldn't tell that you're not a native speaker of English. :-) You are, indeed, fluent in English. (Note that "affluent" means something different. ;-) .) Many native speakers do not write as well as you do.

I definitely like the changes you've made. Carly seems more believable now. The background from the orphanage really helps. Adding the part about her talking to herself makes it clear that she's not catatonic, just deeply troubled. That's more realistic.

Hmm...for the last sentence(s)...How about something like:

"She felt a scream rising in her throat, a scream that would bring the walls down around her, shatter her world--if she released it.

They found her in the hall, utterly silent. Teddy's furry paw covered her mouth."

Teddy's paw could even be IN her mouth, if you don't think that's too gross.

I'll look forward to seeing the final version of your story!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Greetings!

I like the additions you have made. They give the story even more depth.

Here are a few minor corrections:

tug her in - tuck her in

there was only her footsteps resounded - only her footstep resounded (delete "there was")

she could hear some voice - some voices (since both parents are talking)

the voice became clearer in her ears - voices

She leaned on the shivery wall, - She leaned on the wall, shivering,. (I don't think you meant that the wall was shivering. ;-) )

In the obscure hall - I think you might want to look up the definition of "obscure"; I don't think that's what you're trying to say here (although that's up to you, of course).

parents' voice dwindled - voices

whisper silent - silent whisper

a little girl sitting stoned along the hall, - umm..."stoned" means high on drugs. :-)) Perhaps you mean "in stony silence"? Also, "in the hall" would be better.

Teddy's furry paw kept in her mouth - how about "stuck"? Or you could just say "Teddy's furry paw in her mouth". "Sitting" is actually the verb in this sentence, and the last clause doesn't really need a verb.

I truly like your changes! Keep on writing, and thanks for sharing this!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Thanks for correcting my mistakes!

I think probably after editing this is going to be my final version. And I like it better too. Somehow it makes more sense, and yes, the meaning goes deeper.

Can you explain what "obscure" means? I looked it up and it says "obscure" means dark and dull.
And the "stoning" part, I mean that she was sitting rigidly, motionlessly, that kind of thing. How can I rephrase it?

Thanks again for your valuable advice! I'm sure everyone here is appreciating your help=)

Greetings!

I learned something from your question. I looked up "obscure" and found that it can mean dark. However, that is not the way it usually used. I fact, I haven't seen it with that meaning before--and I read A LOT. :-) Most commonly, it means unclear or hard to understand. An "obscure meaning" would be one that was difficult to comprehend. I hope that helps.

As for the "stoned" part: how about "rigid as a marble statue"? Or "rigidly silent as a marble statue". Or stone statue.

Do keep in mind what I said about publication, OK? This is my last night on EssayForum, so I just wanted to remind you to keep thinking like a writer--and most importantly, keep writing! Good luck!

Sarah

Thanks so much! I really appreciate your help so far:)

You say this is your last night on this forum? You're not going to be here anymore? That makes me feel sad:( But anyway, all the best for you. And thank you so much for your efforts. You have been a great help to all of us so far!

Good morning!
I'm sure Sarah appreciates your efforts as well as your kind words. I have some big shoes to fill.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator