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To be able to handle a business takes time and experience. KGSP - SELF INTRODUCTION

HI! GOOD DAY EVERYONE! Kindly check if my self introduction is good for submission and if I was able to discuss the following:

Different life

I was born and raised in Puerto Princesa, Palawan. When i was little, our life was so much different. We struggle so much financially and my father had to do two jobs in order to provide our needs. Everything started to change when both of my parents took the risk and started a business that has something to do with providing photography and videography services. After a few years, their business grow so much which leads to finally opening their first branch. Unlike other kids who go out and play or stay at home and watch TV during school break, I was different. My father instilled in us(my siblings an I) at such a young age the importance of spending your time wisely. At age nine I was already helping him sell photos at convention and seminars. When I was 12 years old, my father thought me how to operate SLR and video camera, and later on I joined his team of photographers and videographers for events. When I was in high school(and later on continued until college) I was manning our first business branch every every summer break. Back then, it honestly crossed my mind why my father pushed me to work in the business instead of living a normal life but now it all makes sense. Our parents just want us to be familiar with how our business works to prepare us for what ever might happen in the future also since someday we're gonna replace them and might have our own business too. Luckily, our business grew so much that's why my parents was able to afford to send me to Manila and study in one of top universities in our country.

When I was in college, I took up Information Systems. This major deals with connecting technology and business, it is not purely concerned with Information and Communication Technology and it concentrates instead on the end use of Information Technology in various industries. In this course I learned not just the basics of Information Technology but also the fundamentals of business such as Accounting, Management, Marketing, and Entrepreneurship. As someone who came from a provincial school, adjusting to Manila's school system was difficult for me at first. When I was in second year things started to get easier for me and managed to become a consistent Dean's Lister and eventually graduated Cum Laude. As one of the top students in our department, i already got an offer from Accenture even before I graduate. Accenture is a well known IT company which provide IT services to various company worldwide. Soon after graduation I signed up a contract with them and was assigned in a project which handles Navitaire, an airline reservation system. I worked as an application support for NewSkies application and SkySales. I was in charge of first level operational support, general administration, advanced troubleshooting and prompt execution of standard operations procedures. I also worked closely with other teams both locally and globally as well as with client airline representatives and other third party providers to make sure that the supported application and environment are up and operational 24/7. After working in Accenture for almost 2 years, I moved to NetSuite which is my current company. NetSuite is a company that provide cloud based ERP applications. I am part of a team that handles NetSuite Partners. These partners are system integrators who creates applications and incorporate them on NetSuite's existing application. If my responsibilities in in Accenture are focused on technology related tasks, in NetSuite, my task is leaning towards the business side. I manage the partner's contracts upon joining, providing their technical and marketing needs, and also handles their yearly membership fee. I am also responsible for the initial review of the quality assessments of applications created by the partners.

People usually ask me why I choose to work instead of just handling our business. To be completely honest, I know to myself that to be able to handle a business takes time and experiences. Now that my parents also ventured to car rental and small hotel business, in order to properly handle these, I will be needing more experiences and knowledge. Even though I am not physically in Palawan, I still help my parents from time to time and they keep me updated of the changes on our business. Taking MBA has always been at the back up of my mind. I would like to enhance my understanding of business, how it works, and apply it later on to our family business. In order to do this, I need more time and money. Studying MBA while working means giving up the things that I love to do such as traveling. My love for traveling started when I went to Korea back in 2012. I love discovering new places, learning about their culture, trying out their food and making friends with different people from all over the world. As of this moment, I've already traveled to ten countries and among these countries my favourite is South Korea. My admiration towards Korean Culture started when I was in second year college. My friend recommended a really good Korean variety show and ever since then I was so hooked and started watching other shows, Korean dramas and listening to Korean music. This is also the reason why Korea is the first country I've visited and i even promised myself to visit Korea every year which I did. Last year, for my 25th birthday, I went to Korea for the fifth time and stayed there for 16 days. Aside from the usual touristy things, I also experienced how it felt like living like a local, meeting more fellow travels, and experience more new things. That was such a very memorable trip and when I went back to Philippines, that's when i realised how much I love Korea and would want to explore more about this amazing country. That's when i started searching scholarship so I could finally take MBA and also have the chance to finally live in Korea and that's how I found out about KGSP. Hopefully through KGSP, i'll be able to fulfil my dream of finishing MBA course and as well as experiencing more of Korea.

Mar 14, 2017   #2
Kim, do not focus so much on the financial background of your family. It creates a deviation from the prompt requirement that asks you to deliver your point of view about life based upon your life experiences. The point of view that you are portraying is focused on yourself, rather than an outlook regarding life in general. do your best to devise a new point of view about life paragraph in your essay. In relation to your reasons for studying in Korea, right now, it sounds like you want to have a free ride in Korea on the government's dime. Lessen the personal, tourist reasons. Instead, connect your desire to study in Korea with an academic reason. Balance the social and academic representations for your desire to study Korea. That way, the reviewer will see a more serious side to your desire to study there. Another thing, explain how your professional experience has led to your motivation to study abroad. What do you desire to learn in Korea that you feel cannot be addressed by the universities in your country? What set Korea apart as an educational trendsetter in your opinion that led you to this decision?

I don't know what else to tell you. This essay will not work because you are bragging so much about your financial capacity in life. That includes your ability to travel the world numerous times. You have lost sight of what the KGSP is all about. That is, giving deserving but financially incapable international students a chance to improve their educational attainment in life by being sponsored by the Korean government in their quest for self improvement. That is not the image that you portray in this essay. Whatever your purpose for applying to the scholarship is dimmed by your talk of privileged upbringing and a seeming desire to go to Korea, not to study, but just to extend your tourist stay. There is no touching or driving motivation behind your quest to gain this scholarship. You have developed a totally wrong response to the prompt requirements.

Unfortunately, I cannot extend my help to you for this essay beyond this 2nd free advice. I could continue advising you regarding this essay based upon one of 2 things. Either list this essay as Urgent, in which case I can continue to help you improve this essay or, sign up for my service in the link above and I will write a proper essay for you. Hiring my writing service will create the perfect essay that you won't have to fret about anymore because it will be done professionally and developed to suit your application needs.

Hi Firstly, your essay needs to have more focus on the prompts of the questions. Try directly answering the prompts in that order. I have other suggestions:

1. Describing your home too much is meaningless if it nothing to do with your view on life etc. The part where you write about your parents and upbringing is too long. You may want to shorten it into a few sentences.

2. Link your experience helping with your parents' business with your desire to do an MBA. What is your MBA for? To help expand your family's business? In that case, how will the MBA help you in that aspect?

3. Your reasons for studying in Korea is weak. Travel is not a good reason. Even if you like the culture, it is better to back it up with something other than Korean dramas. Remember you will have to study Korean and reach a decent level to even start graduate school. Yes Korea has growing academic standards. But this sentence is too vague. It can be applied to high school, middle school even in elementary education...what is it about the universities in Korea which attract you?
Hi! I am not really professional in this kind of work so I just can give you an advice about your idea. If you want to write a good introduction you need:

Start with an example: you should let us know more about you, not only your finance. for example, your interest, the reason why you need to write this introduction or where did you find the pursuit to write this introduction,

Secondly, you should use some words that make the connection such as on the other hand consequently or some word that are the adj or adv, for example slightly smothly that will make your work more smoothly

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