Summer of the 2013, I was interning at Schneider Electric when Ms. Manisha Tapa, my then mentor, succeeded in drawing my attention towards her computer screen. She entered 20 random data values I collected while I was riveting and soldering which constitutes the moving and fixed contacts of contactor. The output of the a forth mentioned measurement is illustrated by a histogram which helps to predict how many parts will be produced out of specification (OSS). I was mesmerized by how simple statistics could be used to calculate the extent of defects that could have occurred otherwise.
Ms. Tapa then explained how she used measures of central tendencies to analyze how well a process can produce acceptable products. She also explained how process capability not only yields cost savings to an organisation but it also eliminates inspections which are non-value adding. Further, it also eliminates scrap and rework which add to customer satisfaction. The thirst to learn more on statistical quality control made me extend my period of internship. It was during this period that I began to explore areas beyond my realm of learning. I soon realised that armed with technological expertise one can make a significant contribution to an organisation.
On a more constructive level, the report I prepared from what I learnt at Schneider Electric confirmed my speculation that I would want to take this newly developed interest much more seriously. I have always believed that after an undergraduate program, a couple of years of professional work would help bolster both my confidence and knowledge. And hence, I decided to secure a position which would not only grant me experience, but would also help me apply my theoretical knowledge into practice. I then fulfilled this goal of mine by working as a Software Engineer at HSBC Software Development India Private Limited for the past 15 months.
My first accomplishment after joining my professional career was bridging the distance from a Trainee to Developer in a period of 3 months. Working for HSBC helped to understand that Business Intelligence tools are not only used by banks for historical analysis, identifying potential customers, preparation of executive dashboards but they also help to differentiate customers based on credit risk, money laundering and regulatory compliance. Being associated with projects which revolve around Data Warehousing and Relationship Management helped me understand how these can be merged to add to business value. For Instance, the fraudulence of a credit card depends on how quickly and effectively it's identified, thus improving the business value.
I soon began to realize that being a student from EE in under-graduate career; I have to be strong in fundamentals to be on par with those from CS. This determination to understand the functional concepts made me write my first proficiency test which I cleared with distinction; placing me among top 5% of the people who took the test. My ability to look at the big picture meticulously and complete tasks with perfection was soon recognized and appreciated by my team; to a point where they made me a critical resource. The journey since then has been both exciting and worthwhile- I've learnt to take up responsibility, accept criticism positively and react to compliments gracefully. I believe, my willingness to leave a dynamic and challenging position to pursue my passion to learn more reflects my determination to dream big and make a difference.
Through my masters program from WPI, I plan to hone my existing technical prowess and acquire additional skills in Business analysis and Information engineering, advanced database management and Software quality control and Management. I wish to bridge the distance between technology and management; giving the companies a competitive advantage back in my native country. My forbearance and expertise to overcome complications is evident from my accomplishments so far, and I'm positive that with the course structure, curriculum and the real- world approach offered by WPI it will play a huge role in my life as both a student and a professional.
This is an acceptable statement of purpose. You gave enough attention to your past academic accomplishments and your professional accomplishments. However, I believe that you should shorten the portion about Ms. Tapa. The reviewer does not need to learn that information about your previous exposure or the seeds of your interest. An SOP is not about the past. Rather, it is a look into your future.
Your future plans. That should be solidly reflected in the SOP. Right now, you have presented some pretty good professional accomplishments but you have not really totally presented your future plans. It often impresses the reviewer when he reads an SOP that clearly explains how the masters degree will help you advance your future career. That is because you can present a study path for yourself as a masters degree student.
The study path will help to strengthen your conviction that this is the career path for you. As a masters degree student, you should show the reviewer how you plan to take advantage of the offerings at the university. Mention how you plan to use the internship program. Explain any research projects that you plan to undertake while studying there and how you will share the results with the university to help enhance its image as an institution. You have to convince the university that you are a student that they should not take for granted because you are a talent that they will benefit from.
If you restructure the first 2 paragraphs relating to your introduction to this field, you will be able to properly concentrate the essay on the portions of your statement of purpose that matter. Right now, with the inclusion of the first two paragraphs, your essay is somewhere in between a college application essay and an SOP. We need to make it sound more like an SOP and with the edits that I am suggesting, we will be able to help you achieve that.
Thank you for the feed back. I will work on the points you have mentioned above and get back shortly :)
I have modified my SOP and have come with the following changes. Please let me know if there can be any changes that can be made further.
Summer of the 2013, I was interning at Schneider Electric when Ms. Manisha Tapa, my then mentor, succeeded in drawing my attention towards her computer screen. She entered 20 random data values I collected while I was riveting and soldering which constitutes the moving and fixed contacts of contactor. The output of the a forth mentioned measurement is illustrated by a histogram which predicts the parts that will be produced out of specification (OSS). The idea of using simple statistics to calculate the extent of defects left me transfixed.
Her well versed concepts on "Business Integration of Statistical Quality Innovation" made me extend my period of internship to learn more. It was during this period that I began to explore areas beyond my realm of learning. I realized that armed with technological expertise one can make a significant contribution to an organisation, which confirmed my speculation that I would want to take this newly developed interest more seriously. I joined HSBC Software Development India Private Limited to fulfill my goal to understand and apply my theoretical knowledge into practice.
My first accomplishment after joining my professional career was bridging the distance from a Trainee to Developer in a period of 3 months. Working for HSBC helped to understand that Business Intelligence tools are not only used by banks for historical analysis, identifying potential customers, preparation of executive dashboards but they also help to differentiate customers based on credit risk, money laundering and regulatory compliance. Being associated with projects which revolve around Data Warehousing and Relationship Management helped me understand how these can be merged to add to business value. For Instance, the fraudulence of a credit card depends on how quickly and effectively it's identified, thus improving the business value.
I then realized that being a student from EE in under-graduate career; I have to be strong in fundamentals to be on par with those from CS. This determination to understand the functional concepts made me write my first proficiency test which I cleared with distinction; placing me among top 5% among 60 people who took the test. My ability to look at the big picture meticulously and complete tasks with perfection was soon recognized and appreciated by my team; to a point where they made me a critical resource. The journey since then has been both exciting and worthwhile- I've learnt to take up responsibility, accept criticism positively and react to compliments gracefully. I believe, my willingness to leave a dynamic and challenging position to pursue my passion to learn more reflects my determination to dream big and make a difference.
Through my masters program from WPI, I plan to hone my existing technical prowess and acquire additional skills in "Business analysis and Information Engineering", "Advanced Database Management" and "Software quality control and Management". My forbearance and expertise to overcome complications is evident from my accomplishments so far, and I'm positive that with the course structure, curriculum and the real- world approach offered by WPI it will play a huge role in my life as both a student and a professional. Clear understanding on your curriculum, shows that I will be able to design new process and implement IT solutions meet the business requirements.
After my graduation, I wish to focus on practical application of business analytic techniques to make effective use of the curriculum offered. To understand how it works, on a short term, I would want to work in large firm as a "Business Technology Analyst". I intend to analyze the gaps between current processes to that of what's desired and would want to provide IT solutions to meet the requirements. I aspire to bridge the distance between technology and management; giving companies a competitive advantage back in my native country, as a long term goal.
Shalini, the essay has improved from the first draft. There is a problem with your word count at this point because a normal SOP has a maximum of 500 words and your current essay has 629 words in it. So you need to take off 129 words from this version. Do you think there is any way that you can remove those words yourself? I am not sure which portions you might want to cut down on so I would rather that you review the essay and delete certain portions yourself. What I can do for you at this moment is suggest which portions I think you should consider cutting down on.
You can start with paragraph 1 and 2. I feel that you can combine the content of the 2 paragraphs by editing it to flow as a single paragraph. Try to restate the information in a shorter manner. My suggestion is to try to do it in a maximum of 10 sentences. Then, there is also paragraph 4. I feel that this portion is too long and, while informative, can use some editing to make it more interesting and relevant to your application. Right now, I am not really sure that the whole paragraph helps the essay inform the reader. Paragraph 5 can also be edited. I want you to pay specific attention to:
My forbearance and expertise to overcome complications is evident from my accomplishments so far,
I don't feel that this is necessary information in the essay. Rather, I would rather just retain:
I'm positive that with the course structure, curriculum and the real- world approach offered by WPI it will play a huge role in my life as both a student and a professional. Clear understanding on your curriculum, shows that I will be able to design new process and implement IT solutions meet the business requirements.
That portion really seems to make sense when considered in the totality of the essay. So when edited properly, it will give more credence to your application.
Right now, we have to concentrate on making the statement shorter while informative. All the grammar problems and sentence structure issues can be corrected after that.
I can give you some suggestions for your essay.
I think the first three paragraphs are mainly about your career. If you have career experience this can be included in your SOP, but I am trying to grasp why you are interested in a master's program. Let me try to give you an example. Imagine someone is an education consultant and majored in education. An SOP could begin in this manner:
"My passion has always been to further my studies in education. As a dedicated professional in the area of education consulting, I always strive for success. Yet, after five years of working hard to achieve my career goals, I feel unfilled. During my undergraduate studies, I always envisioned creating a classroom in which my students could thrive. Yet, after graduating, my dream was deferred. That is why I am applying for the master's program."
-You don't have to follow this same format, but this is to help you to begin your essay. Also, this is not a real example. However, the reader can understand the reason the prospective graduate student decided to further his or her studies.
-I think it is great to list work experiences if you have some gaps in your schooling. Yet, in the first paragraph, the reader should understand why are you are making this transition in your life.
Thanks both. I plan to re work my sop from scratch. Trying to delete all that's not necessary. One quick question, am i supposed to highlight the reason why i plan to study further in my every first paragraph ?
Shalini, it is always in the best interest of your SOP to state the reason why you want to study further in your first paragraph. By immediately answering the prompt, you give the reviewer a chance to decide if he feels that your application is worth considering in the long term. It also offers you a better chance to develop your line of reasoning within the succeeding paragraphs. Think of the reason why you want to study as the theme of the essay. You wouldn't place that in the middle or at the end of the essay right? Let's see if I can give you an outline for your essay so that you will know what to present in which paragraph :-)
1. Reason you want to enroll in masters classes
2. Professional experience related to your interest in the course
3. Previously attended seminars and/or training courses
4. How the university can help you with advanced training
5. Plans after graduation
If you follow the above outline, you will also be able to further tighten the focus of your essay because you will only be offering the necessary information expected within an SOP. That is the standard format or progression in an SOP, but you don't necessarily have to follow any or all of it if you are not comfortable doing so :-)
I have re-worked my sop for the first two paragraphs. I wish to include # 2 and # 3 in the third paragraph further. Please give me inputs as to how it is so far. Also, please help me as to what's appropriate to fill in < >. Thanks in advance. :)
Seven hours, that is amount of time I invested in decoding this error "Fatal: Orchestrate exception in parallel execution at table record z5371; no further warning will be issued". However, I would have been able to resolve this issue sooner if I had additional knowledge on Business Information analysis. Merging technological expertise and management I can provide competitive edge to an organisation. Further, it can provide me marketable skills and job security as it will help me learn concepts such as systems thinking, abstraction and experimentation. Thus, the master's program in Information Systems from your university is ideal for an overall development as both a student and professional.
I joined HSBC Software Development India Private Limited to understand and apply my theoretical expertise in database management systems, data warehousing and Industrial management to practice. Being associated with projects on Data Warehousing and Relationship Management [RM] helped me understand how these can be merged to add to business value. I was made the critical resource because of my ability to see the big picture and complete tasks with perfection .The journey since then has been both exciting and worthwhile- I've learnt to take up responsibility, accept criticism positively and react to compliments gracefully. I believe, my willingness to leave a dynamic and challenging position to < > from university only reflects my determination to learn more.
Shalini, you seem to have jumped ahead of yourself when you began discussing that you were made a critical resource at HSBC. You need to relate more of your work experience there and develop the reasons why you eventually became a critical resource for the company. Since this sounds like a very important position / task that was assigned to you, it would be highly beneficial to your essay if you could further inform the reviewer regarding your employment there.
In the latter part of your essay, where you placed the <>, perhaps you can discuss how you are willing to risk your current position at your office to take leave of absence in order to seriously devote yourself to your masters degree studies. Then develop ideas as to how you willingness to do that is based upon the possibility of more lucrative employment in a related field? I am not really sure as to how to advise you regarding that portion because I am not sure myself of what you want to say in that particular area of the essay.
Overall though, a marked improvement in the content of the essay. If you could just revise the whole essay and then post it here, we will be better able to review your essay and advise you regarding any remaining adjustments that may need to be made :-)
Well, @Firefly, I agree with @vaniespen, you did jump into a much complex part of your essay, the first sentence can be on the 3rd or 4th sentence of your essay, this is because you have to establish the purpose of the essay. I understand that the purpose is already written as the prompt of the essay but you still have to make it a point that your introduction is leading smoothly to the purpose of your essay. I say you start it with;
The field of data, information and software development never failed to spark an interest in me. My quest in gaining experience in the industry leads me to a much bigger and brighter future.
From here, you should be able to insert your first sentence and take it from there.
- Furthermore , it can..
- ...provide me with marketable...
There you have it, I hope it;s not too late for my help.
Hey guys! Sorry for a very late reply. I have worked out on every point you guys have discussed. Made some major changes. Please review and let me know where I can still improve. :)
Four hours, the amount of time I invested in decoding this error "Fatal: Main_program: APT_PMSectionLeader, 6: Error Idx=12; Unexpected termination". Apart from functional knowledge on Data warehousing tools, additional expertise on Business Information analysis would have helped me resolve this issue earlier. I realized that by merging technology with management, I will be prepared to take up challenges efficiently. Such an education will provide me with a competitive edge in an organisation. The master's program in Information Systems from your university is thus ideal for an overall development; both as a student and professional.
I earned a Bachelor's degree In Electrical and Electronics from XXX University. I opted for Database Management Systems (DBMS), Advanced DBMS and Operating Systems as electives in my senior year. To apply this theoretical expertise to practice, I joined HSBC Software Development, India (HSBC) in Business Intelligence (BI) unit. In HSBC, I have been associated with projects on Data Warehousing and Relationship Management (RM). These projects helped me understand how merging technology and management can add to business value.
Migration of a project from its current version/environment to a higher version requires a great understanding on how technology will affect business. I was a critical resource in deploying this project which went live a month prior its schedule. I have been awarded "Feather in the cap", a recognition given to top 2% of the employees, because of my ability to look at the big picture and complete tasks with perfection. I believe my willingness to leave a dynamic and challenging position to build upon my academic career from your university, reflects on my determination to learn more.
Through my masters program from WPI, I wish to explore the issues I confronted in HSBC by integrating various technical aspects with Information Systems (IS). I plan to hone my existing technical prowess and acquire additional skills in Predictive Analytics, Information Resource Management and Statistical Quality Control. WPI offers state-of-the-art resources and the real- world experience. This will allow me to design new process and implement Information Technology (IT) solutions to meet the business specifications.
After my graduation, I wish to focus on practical applications of business analytic techniques as a "Data Scientist". This will be an effective use of the curriculum offered. I can analyze the gaps between current procedures to that of what is desired and provide IT solutions, to deliver better results. In the long term, at a managerial level, I aspire to make a considerable contribution back in my native country. I plan to use the experience I gain to assist in systematic development of organisation. Master's in IS from your university will therefore help me aim to consistently to meet the standards I have set for myself.
Hi Shalini, I believe that we just need to apply some grammar corrections to this version of your SOP so that it can finally be ready for you to use. Here are my suggested corrections:
Par. 1:
Four hours, was the amount of time I invested in decoding
I will would be better prepared to take up challenges efficiently
is thus ideal for an my overall development;
Par. 2:
in the Business Intelligence (BI) unit.
Par. 3:
requires a great understanding on of how technology will affect
I was a critical resource in deploying this project which went live a month prior its schedule.
* Because?
I have been was awarded
recognition given to the top 2% of the employees
to build upon my academic career from at your university, reflects on my determination
Par. 4:
business analytic techniques such as a "Data Scientist".
Par. 5:
A master's in IS from your university
