'I will bring a curiosity and willingness to learn new things'; Graduate essay nursing - critique

As a curious child, my love for reading stories led to a lot of my spare time in the school library. At age 12, I read many of the stories in the childrens' Encyclopedia Britannica. Amongst other stories, I read about Florence Nightingale, a lady from high class family who decided to join nursing - a much lower class job in her time. Her story introduced me to a new definition of career and service. I chose nursing as a profession to serve God and in service of fellow human beings in need. I was captivated by Florence Nightingale's vision and insight into the expanding role of nurses to provide holistic care in the health care system.

My insight into the need of the nursing profession today is an increased need for advanced practice nurses. With the aging population in the United States of America, there is a growing need for health professional that cater to the adult and aging population. Also, the cost of doctors' visit deters individuals from seeing a health care provider for preventative and health promotion visits. My educational goal is to get a Masters of in Nursing with an Adult Nurse Practitioner Specialty track. A Master in Nursing at Azusa Pacific University would provide an opportunity to use the nursing process with greater autonomy, authority, and leadership in my practice. After completion of the program I intend to work with greater independence in decision making, accountability and a focus on health promotion and disease prevention. I will also possess the expertise in collecting, analyzing and labeling health problems in a collaborative health care environment.

I have since read about other nursing theorists and their works during my undergraduate nursing education at Seneca College, York and Loma Linda Universities. I still maintain my curiosity from childhood and if given the opportunity to attend Azusa Pacific University, I will bring a curiosity and willingness to learn new things that would improve my nursing career.

which I currently apply to my nursing practice.

I am not a great writer but it did occur to me that might have a stronger essay of your reason wanting to be nurse was more hard hitting than reading about Florence. You could might want to consider talking about your own experiences and how that lead you to nursing.

As an example, when I was helping my sick aunt/mother/sister/dog/gold fish I realized how important nursing care was to getting some one well. I also realized that I knew very little about how to medically take care of someone in the best way. I found it very satisfying when my aunt/mother/sister/dog/gold fish got well but I knew I need more training to really help more people. That's why I want to go to nursing school

Roland

Thanks for your critique...I'll make changes to the my reasons for wanting to study nursing.

I made changes to the essay above

I like the Florence Nightingale story. I'd like to see you augment it with more recent experiences rather than remove it altogether. I also see a number of grammatical errors, but since you say you have already made changes, let us see the revised version so that we don't waste time fixing sentences you've deleted or already fixed yourself.

You need to bridge the Nightingale story and your paragraph about your current goals. You go from something that happened to you at age 12, and then skip to what you are trying to do now, some 10 years later. Hopefully, your understanding of the nursing profession has grown since then.

Also, your conclusion is a bit weak at the moment. Perhaps you could eliminate the last sentence, and replace it with a more detail discussion of the theorists you mentioned, and say how your knowledge of their work will inform your graduate studies in nursing.