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I am confident that, if admitted, I will be an asset to the class of 2012 - ISB essay



myool_555 1 / -  
Aug 8, 2010   #1
Topic - If we were to admit one more student to the class of 2012, make a compelling argument as to why that student should be you?

I am confident that, if admitted, I will be an asset to the class of 2012.
Having done my Chartered Accountancy training (articleship) in Audit for three years, and then having worked in Investment Banking for a year and Corporate Banking for the past year and a half, I have had the opportunity to work in fundamentally different lines where I have picked up various skills. The varied ...

after edits:

Despite working for nearly three years in a bank, I still do not get the same level of satisfaction I used to get from running my own 'video library' at the age of ten - I used to rent out the cartoon video cassettes (sent by my cousins) to my building friends for a small fee. I later started making 'mini-books' with the idea that students might want to write down formulae etc. for revision purposes. In college I converted my passion for chess into a business by starting a 'chess coaching venture' with my neighbor.

Inspite of doing well in my current job, I still yearn for the elation one experiences when an idea starts bearing fruit. I am clear that in the long run, entrepreneurship is the way forward for me.

Post MBA, I would like to work for a couple of years as a management consultant focusing on business strategy. As a consultant I would get exposure to a diverse range of industries which would definitely help in broadening my horizon. Further, exposure to the nuances of strategic decision making would definitely stand me in good stead when I start my own business.

The diverse peer group, distinguished and highly learned faculty and innovative pedagogy at the ISB would help me grow as a person. Studying at ISB would help me extend my professional and social network greatly. World class infrastructure and a great consulting placement record are other factors which make ISB a great choice for me as I look to achieve my short term and long term goals.

ershad193 14 / 321  
Aug 8, 2010   #2
I am confident that, if admitted, I will be an asset to the class of 2012.

Don't start essays with assertions. Build your arguments such that you make the readers conclude themselves that you will be an asset.

picked up various skills.

Like what? Mention a few.

develop as a person

This is a vague phrase. Be specific!

diametrically opposite working styles.

Don't leave the reader guessing. Elaborate a bit.

Okay, you seem to be a good writer. I couldn't spot any grammatical errors. But you need to work on the aforementioned points. You made a lot of claims and left most of them unsubstantiated. You also need to work on the organization of the essay. Those one line paragraphs don't look nice.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Aug 10, 2010   #3
Don't start essays with assertions.

Hey Ershad, thanks for making me a better communicator. This is something I agree with. Don't start by making an assertion, because it will be an unsubstantiated assertion for at least a moment, and that is no way to start an essay. Begin with an observation. Take an inspired, indirect route. Intrigue the reader.

In this essay, I think your intro paragraph should speculate about a few ways someone can contribute to a class. Contributing to discussions is good, but what about motivating others? What about contributing to your chosen field some accomplishment that will make the school even more prestigious? Use your intro to discuss the ways in which someone can contribute, and then use each body paragraph to cover one of those -- maybe three -- ways of contributing that you discuss in the intro.

"inherently extroverted" --- this is not good. It is an unnecessary use of the word inherent. An extroverted nature is always inherent, because it is your nature.

Use this as a brainstorming exercise. Use it to construct an essay that has an intriguing intro para that ends with a thesis statement which lists 2 or 3 ways in which you can contribute -- contributing to discussion, being a positive example, and offering encouragement.

You have great accomplishments! Now revise this essay to be less straightforward and more philosophical.


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