juveniles are suffering from a bunch of problems
Hi everyone, I would really appreciate if I could receive some feedback for my essay as follows:
My essay:
It is argued that the juveniles in Vietnam are facing a multitude of major problems that result in adverse effects on themselves, their family and the society. I personally agree with this opinion, nevertheless, I also point out that some measures are being applied to alleviate these problems.
On the one hand, there are a variety of major problems that young people are dealing with. First, an abundance of Vietnamese youngsters are addicted to smoking. There are a wide range of possible explanations why this is the case, for instance, the prices of cigaret are incredibly cheap in Vietnam; there are no effective government policies to deter teenagers from smoking; and the fact that a wealth of Vietnamese adults smoke every day and everywhere, especially in public spaces. As a result, these juveniles suffer from a lot of risks associated with smoking. For example, smoking at an early age is more likely to cause lung cancer and emotional or psychological problems. Addicted adolescents also more likely suffer from the shortness of breath. Notably, these youngsters are also prone to alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, or unprotected sex. Second, it is common that a majority of Vietnamese juveniles are having behavioral difficulties. Indeed, these young adults are more often than not moody in light of hormonal and physical changes. They may be quick-tempered and impulsive. Consequently, their families get trouble in handling the behavior of their beloved children. Third, a notable issue that might severely affect young adult is bullying. Bullying is likely to lead to detrimental effects on mental health, substance use, and even suicide. Youngsters who are bullied are more likely to be depressed or suffered from loneliness and other mental issues. Their academic performance would also be reduced and they are more likely to run wild.
On the other hand, in Vietnam, the government, parents, and schools are becoming more aware of these problems and they are applying suitable actions to mitigate these issues. Some government policies have been imposed to reduce the smoking rate among children. Significantly, the media also increasingly air educational programmes to equip parents with essential knowledge so that they are able to build up healthy relationships with their teenagers. What is more, bullying is becoming a major concern in a multitude of schools and a wide range of measures are being applied by schools to prevent bullying from happening.
In a nutshell, notwithstanding that juveniles are suffering from a bunch of major problems such as smoking, behavioral difficulties, and bullying, appropriate measure are being taken to tackle these problems aiming to promote mental health and physical health of young people, the future backbone of Vietnam.Are you writing IELTS task 2? Geez, you've given away a wealth of your ideas, which is really bad if you take the real Test. You should not over discuss every single points to show off your length of paragraph, you will lack time to complete the test.
Sorry for what I said above. I did not notice you were writing a Graduate essay and I could not delete and edit my post, so I am gonna put my edited one here:
"Since you're writing a graduate essay, I think you should spend more your academic thoughts on it. The first body you've written such a wealth of ideas and citations, which is good for lengthening your essay, but the bad for the quality. You need to be more precise on your writing next time. Also, widen your solutions in the second body."
