I want to apply for master of commerce and one of the questions in application form is: please provide details of any academic prizes or awards you received during your tertiary studies.submit a maximum of 300 words.
please revise my answer:
achievements obtained during study
The government of Iran gives an exam annually to determine talented students for receiving a scholarship covering tuition fees of the universities completely and expenses of accommodation and meals partially during their study time. My result was among top 2% of applicants. Accordingly, I won that invaluable scholarship in the year 2013 and I profited from it until the year 2017.
I was awarded some money by Industrial Engineering Department of Shiraz University of Technology in 2017, owing to the fact that I had the highest cumulative GPA among students. (My GPA: 18.06/20, university average GPA: 15.21/20, department average GPA: 15.61/20)
I was selected as an exceptional talent in 2014, 2015, 2016 and 2017 based on specific criteria such as being among top 10% of students and having a GPA higher than 17 / 20 in order to find and help intelligent and hardworking students. The Exceptional Talents Guidance Organization sent me many prizes like stationery in those years. Being a member of that Organization and having the highest cumulative GPA gave me the opportunity to gain both admission from Shiraz University of Technology and the same scholarship as my undergraduate study from the government for graduate study without taking the exam which is mandatory for others. But, I withdrew that chance, because I want to continue studying in Australia.
The Scientific Association of Industrial Engineering granted me some money after my first semester in the university because my exams results were the best in industrial engineering class of the year 2013.
I was bestowed a golden coin in the year 2011 on account of the best student presentation in Technology and Sciences Convention.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,585 3757
Haniye, the essay that you wrote is technically excellent in the sense that you gave direct responses to the required discussion. Now, while you are technically brilliant so that you receive these scholarships, you failed to explain to the reviewer why these scholarships were important to you, what you had to do accomplish in order to qualify for the scholarship, and how you worked towards achieving these accomplishments.
Your essay is too cut and dried to the point of being boring to read. Use the prompt to showcase the kind of student you are, what lengths you will go through to achieve success, and how you use these opportunities once you receive them. Show your human side in relation to these academic accomplishments. The reviewer will be highly interested in learning about that.
Try to portray the reasons why you needed the scholarships and explain the kind of student you are which helped you qualify for the scholarships. Right now, I can tell that you needed the financial support to continue studying. However, as a reviewer, I also need to know how you qualified for these scholarships. You always speak of the moments after you won the scholarship. The reviewer also needs to see the before scenario in order to gain a better picture of who you are as a person, student, and scholar.
Revise the essay in totality to make it softer and allow it to show your human side in relation to your academic accomplishments.