Please help me correct my paragraph
The question is :
Provide a maximum of four academic study/training related awards, prizes or publications you have achieved in the course of your studies - Not specific to any particular qualification you hold (max. 250 words)
achieved awards not related to qualifications
During my period in undergraduate program, i filled my day with scout and student board organizational activities and did part time job as research assistant for my lecturer. Even then i still managed my time to joined some competition for undergraduate student. Even I was not the best, at least i have tried. In 2011, i got award from Government of Surabaya city for my articles chosen as one of best scientific articles . In the same year, i sent my business plan to the Indonesian Ministry of Research Technology and Higher Education and got funded in 2012.
Completed my undergraduate thesis in 2014, I sent my paper "Meta analysis Application at Birth Weight as Risk Factor of Perinatal Mortality" and published by National Journal of Biometrics and Population, Public Health Faculty, Airlangga university.
Help me to correct this answer or make it more strong for scholarship
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,858 4558
Diga, you are being asked to present at least 4 accomplishments in line with their requirements. I only counted 3 that qualified under the directions you were given. So you need to come up with another award that you got. The academic awards accomplishments, related rewards, prizes or publications need to be specific. You do not need to explain your other academic activities and that you tried. Just relate the 4 accomplishments with more detailed explanations of the background of the reward, publication topic, and a look at the academic article that won you the government award. If you can better explain the background of your accomplishments, the essay will be stronger and show a better sense of the achievements you have and why these are notable to you.
I have several comments related to your writing structure.
Firstly, you have to write " I " (personal pronoun) in capital letter and you are not allowed to write " i "
Secondly, .... still managed my time to joined.... You should choose either "joining" or "to join". Don't use -ed form after "to".
Then, Even I was not the best, at least i have tried. I think that you should use "even though" or "although" to replace "Even", because if you still use "even" then the meaning of your statement will be different.
... and got funded in 2012. I suggest you to use "funding". Particularly for this part, you can give additional information about your business plan that got funding from one of the ministry in Indonesia. You can explain about your business plan, in what sector your business is, or tell about how succesful your business is now. I think it will give more additional value for you personally.
Completed my undergraduate thesis. Since you put "completed" in your first part of your sentence, then you should use -ing form instead of -ed form. In addition, i think it will be better if you use this
After accomplishing/completing my undergraduate thesis........... and it was published by National Journal of Biometrics and Population
Last but not least, I think that your writing has not strong enough. Adding some further explanation of your achievements will be better to make your writing stronger and more interested.
I hope it can be helpful. Good luck!
Thank you all for your help,...
So here my new answer, hope you can help me correcting it again.
Finishing my high school as the best student in the national and school examination, I got the chance to pursue higher education with Bidikmisi scholarship provided by The Ministry of Research Technology and Higher education. The scholarship is given for student with excellent academic result from middle-low income community who has strong leadership prosperity. Filled my daily activity with class and organizational activity. I still managed to joining competition for undergraduate student. In 2011, I got award from Government of Surabaya city for my articles chosen as one of best scientific articles. I was writing about how to surviving traditional food of Surabaya in the junk and fast food era. In the same year, I sent my business plan about promoting and producing snack from carrot called Carcor (carrot corner) to prevent children from deficiency of Vitamin A to the Indonesian Ministry of Research Technology and Higher Education and got funding in 2012.
Completing my undergraduate thesis, I sent my paper about using meta-analysis method as the most precise research in literature reviews area to analyze birth weight as risk factor of perinatal mortality in Indonesia that can make conclusion for the research in latest fifteen years with the same design and topics, my paper published by National Journal of Biometrics and Population managed by Public Health Faculty, Airlangga University.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,858 4558
Exactly 4 accomplishments with the backstory included. That is exactly what the prompt required and that is what you delivered. These are the precise answers that can best show off your accomplishments as a student. With regards to the format, you will need to divide the first paragraph into 2. The discussion doesn't appear as balanced on the screen so you should try to bring a topic separator into the first paragraph in order to balance the discussion. As for the second paragraph, you will need to clarify the accomplishment in this sector. After you submitted your article, say your paper "was published by" the journal that you named. If possible, tell the reviewer what the results of the two published works were on your end in order to create an air of importance about your published articles.