The requirement is overall score 7.0, with each band 6.0 or more than 6.0. I have taken the twice, unfortunately I got overall 6.5 again, and there is not enough time for to take the third one. I want to make an argument for an unconditional offer.
I'm writing this mail to honestly ask for your help on the condition of my offer to MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis. My name is Jie Zhang and my Applicant ID is *******.
I have received your conditional offer and I greatly appreciate the chance you gave me for MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis. I have received several offers since several months ago, but actually, I consider you as my first choice. I have been dreaming of studying in your top business school for a long time.
As is required, I took my IELTS for the second time in June 4th, with Listening 7, Reading 7, Writing 6.5, Speaking 6. As can be seen, each band is qualified, but unfortunately, with only 0.5 less in one individual band, the overall score was still 6.5. I'm not satisfied with my performance in the test that day, during which my performance was impaired by bad physical conditions, because my reading ability is competitive enough to get 7.5 or above, as my GMAT score is 710, in which the reading sections are more complex. What's more, I attended to UCLA summer schools in US in 2008, and gain a good command of English to cope with the overseas study well.
Unlike the majority of the applicants, at present, I work as a marketing manager assistant in a start-up company, which is specialized in Career Training and Consulting. As a result, I earn rich working experience with regard to marketing, and become a fan of 'the word of mouth' marketing, because of the good effect of the promotion on our product through the network, such as micro blogging and Group-buying. To be frank, I have a clearer sense of my career trajectory: after graduating from your program, I will come back to my original start-up company and make full use of expertise to make some marketing research and promotions for the new products.
As it is June now, the volume of work is increasing, and it seems to be not cost-effective and efficient to take another test for the more 0.5. Ideally, I hope to apply the pre-sessional English course. But in reality, I was told there no spare place for those courses. The problem here is, before the pro-sessional English course, I have no chance to prove my English ability in another IELTS, rendering me in such paradox.
I completely respect and understand that you have a strict standard of admission. But such is the tough situation I am in, I really don't want to miss the chance of studying in your school. I would appreciate it if you could reconsider my conditional requirement. I believe my performance in the graduate course will prove your choice correct.
Thank you very much and I apologize for any inconveniences I might have caused.
Yours sincerely,
Jie Zhang
Dear Sir or Madam/ Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. X,
I'm writing this mail to honestly ask for your help on the condition of my offer to MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis. My name is Jie Zhang and my Applicant ID is *******.
I have received your conditional offer and I greatly appreciate the chance you gave me for MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis. I have received several offers since severalfor some months agonow , but actuallyto be honest , I consider yours to beas my first choice. I have been dreaming of studying in your top business school for a long time.
As is required, I took my IELTS for the second time in June 4th, with(/acquiring following scores:) Listening 7, Reading 7, Writing 6.5, Speaking 6. As can be seen, each band is qualified, but unfortunately, with only 0.5 less in one individual band, the overall score was still 6.5. I'm not satisfied with my performance in the test that day, during which my performance was impaired by bad physical conditions, because my reading ability is competitive enough to get 7.5 or above, as my GMAT score is 710, in which the reading sections are more complex. What's more, I attended to UCLA summer schools in US in 2008, and gain a good command of English to cope with the overseas study well.
Unlike the majority of the applicants, ( at present) , I work (at present) as a marketing manager assistant in a start-up company, which is specialized in Career Training and Consulting. As a result, I have earned rich working experience with regard to marketing , and becoa me a fan of 'the word of mouth' marketing, because of the good effect of the promotion on our product through the network, such as micro blogging and Group-buying. To be frank, I have a clearer[It's kinda rude to directly compare yourself to other applicants, even though you might be right.] sense of my career trajectory: after graduating from your program, I will(/intend on) come(/coming) back to my original start-up company and make full use of my expertise to make some marketing research and promotions for the new products.
As it is June now, the volume of work is increasing, and it seems to be not cost-effective and efficient to take another test for the more 0.5. Ideally, I hope to apply for the pre-sessional(/introducing;early) English course. But in reality, I was told there are no spare places for those courses. The problem here is, before the pro-sessional English course, I have no chance to prove my English ability inthrough another IELTS, rendering me in such paradox.
I completely respect and understand that you have a strict standard of admission. But such isgiving the tough situation I am in, I really don't(/do not)* want to miss the chance of studying in your school. I would appreciate it if you could reconsider my conditional requirement. I believe my performance in the graduate course will prove your choice correct.
Thank you very much and I apologize for any inconveniences I might have caused.
Yours sincerely,
Jie Zhang
* - I might be wrong on this, but I think it's best to not use short forms in a formal letter/essay.
I'm sorry if I got something wrong. I'm no English expert.
I hope you get into that school! ;D
*- I might be wrong on this, but I think it's best to not use short forms in a formal letter/essay.
What do you mean, contractions? I think your guess is as good as anyone's. Some readers appreciate informal writing, and others demand formality. So... you just have to guess. But I think your warning is good advice, because formality is always safer.
Use a comma in this kind of situation:
I have received your conditional offer, and I greatly appreciate the chance you gave me for MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis. ----Use a comma, because you have 2 complete sentences connected by a conjunction.
I have received several offers since several months ago, but actually I consider you as my first choice. ---I took out a comma.
Unlike the majority of the applicants, at present, Be subtle. Take this out. Begin the paragraph here:
I work as a marketing manager assistant in a start-up company, which specializes in career training and consulting. ---I made some changes here.
... and become a fan of 'the word of mouth' marketing, because of the good effect of the promotion on our product through the network, such as micro blogging and Group-buying. ----Google these terms together to find great info: word of mouth marketing, "decision acceleration"
I completely respect and understand that you have a strict standard of admission. ---Good sentence!
But such is the tough situation I am in, I really don't My situation is difficult, because I really hope not to miss the chance to study in your school.
Nice job! Keep enjoying your process, no matter what happens. :-)
Ana,
Thank you soooo much.
According to your careful and detailed corrections, I have learned a lot. To be frank, before I saw your words, I feel confidently that there were few mistakes to be revised. :P
In terms of the *revisions, I tend to make the relationship between director and I closer by the more casual formats.
Anyway, present my sincere gratitude to u.:)
Kevin,
Thank you for your subtle revision advice. During the process when I write and revise the essay, I really find I gain some progress in my writing skills, and I'm really keen on this wonderful place. :)
During the process when I write and revise the essay, I really find I gain some progress in my writing skills, and I'm really keen on this wonderful place. :)
Well, thanks for being here. It's not really a place; it's a bunch of people... so, you're part of the place.
I hope they are cool about this situation, and I hope your appeal persuades them!
